Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Here We Go Again...

Why do I bother to watch TV?

"Mr. & Mrs. Smith" came on tonight. I thought it might be a good remedy to what's been ailing me today. What in the world could trigger tears in a nice action film?

Brad Pitt -- as John Smith -- said to Jane -- his now wife, Angelina Jolie -- "At the end, you start thinking about the beginning."

No truer words have been spoken. Especially when you start thinking that your whole relationship was a lie. 

So there I was...a mess. But I will say this...the crying spells are getting shorter. Whereas it used to take me about 20 minutes to get past a thing, it's only lasting about five now.

I am getting better.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Ultimatum

So I finally gave New Boo an ultimatum. He's got to get his stuff from my house.

It's been a month and he's made no moves to get his belongings. I know it's only because he knows I won't throw the stuff out. I have been making small strides toward it, though. His toothbrush and shower sponge are gone. But I'm not mean enough to get rid of his things.

So I told him that he needed to get it out this week. Unbeknownst to him, I'm off after today. He claims he won't be able to get it until next Monday. Ugh!!!

One more week with New Boo's things packed neatly in my closet.

In other news, one of the places we used to go -- that we discovered together -- got blown up last year in the East Village explosion. Now they're crowdfunding to open again.

Between that tidbit of news and what I'm having to do about his stuff, I'm drowning in tears again.

I know that this grief thing is a process...but I really do wish it would go faster...

Sunday, July 5, 2015

I Am Going to Learn...

So, I finally heard from New Boo. After almost a week.

After a little small talk, he asked me if I was going to be at home this evening. I said I probably would, but I didn't commit to it either way. He implied that he was coming over after work.

It is now an hour after his store closed, and I haven't heard from him. I categorically refuse to ask if he's coming because if he really wants to come, he knows the drill.

So why am I telling you this?

Because even though I want to play the hard role, I was kinda looking forward to seeing him. But I will NOT beg him anymore. When we were dating, I thought it was okay. Now, not so much.

More than anything, I hate myself for getting my hopes when I know good and well that he's a liar who only wants to yank my chain from time to time. I know better...and yet, I'm disappointed.

I swear I'm gonna learn. Hopefully today.

Acceptance & Rejection, Part Two

As I reflect back on my relationship with New Boo, I realize there are so many ways that he never accepted me. He didn't think going to church was important, either.

Once, when we were really going through the roughness, I got up to go to church. He had told me that he was depressed, which was why he drank and wanted to smoke weed and stuff. So naturally, I invited him to go with me. He said, "Do I have to?" I told him that I'd never force him, but I added, "You're willing to try everything but Jesus, and He's in your budget." He just looked at me.

A little backstory -- I'm not one to wear my faith on my sleeve. However, it does inform my life in most ways. And while I never tried to force it on him, he knew how I felt about it. As for church, I haven't found a place in New York City that makes me feel at home. I'm still actively seeking, though.

That being said, I don't want to be with someone for the rest of my life that I can't share my faith with. And yes -- I knew that he wasn't into it when we got together. But his conversation made me think he'd be down with going with me.

The more I review our relationship, I realize so much of it was based on lies. In typical lowlife fashion, he said all the right things to make me think he was into me...that he loved me. And I ate it up -- hook, line, and sinker. I don't blame myself because he made it all sound so good.

But I tell you what -- I won't be so quick to believe the next man. I'll do my best not to get caught up next time.

Acceptance & Rejection, Part One

"He couldn't reject you because he never fully accepted you."

I think that statement right there has been the most profound one I've heard throughout this whole ordeal. And sadly, one of the most accurate.

Among the many details I didn't bother to bore you with was that New Boo thought I was "too sexual." What does that mean, you ask? He wanted someone with less of an appetite than I had -- and considerably less experience.

Now I should pause here and say that I was 43 when I met him and I wasn't a virgin. So yes, I have a past. I'm not ashamed of it, either. I wish I could say I'd married the first man I'd slept with, but I didn't. I'm not drop dead gorgeous, but I'm not a booga-wolf, either, so I've had my fair share of carnal relations. Most grown men are okay with that.

And then there's New Boo.

We had a conversation once where he told me that he was extremely jealous. He said that he didn't like thinking about his women being with anyone else...ever. Mind you, this is a 42-year-old man who's been married and had two kids. I was like, "Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's not my story. And it's not like I'm some kind of drug addict or something." You know what he said to me? "I would rather think of you doing drugs than being with someone else."

Huh?

Is that not the most unrealistic thing you've ever heard?

Drug addict, yes. Sexually healthy woman, no?

I should've run when I heard that, but I didn't. Like so many things about me -- the fact that I've traveled, the fact that I have an active social life, the fact that I'm a friendly person -- I just kind of buried them in hopes that he would find me worthy of love.

And it worked -- or so I thought. At the end of the day, he still walked away from me. After I gave him all I had -- and then some -- he rejected all that I was. I was telling this to a friend of mine when she said, "He couldn't reject you because he never accepted you."

Can I just say that as painful and as harsh as it sounds, I believe it.

New Boo was never going to accept me as the vibrant human I am. In his mind, his woman needed to be less than him so he could be okay with himself. And guess what? I'm not less than on any level.

So yes, I'm still hurt. That probably won't change. But I swear I'm gonna try to move through this quickly so that the real man who's custom-made for me can come along and accept me -- flaws and all.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

A Pause for the Cause...

I'm sorry that you only get the worst of me.

I use this blog to release the foolishness that threatens to overtake me time and time again.

When things are going good, you rarely hear from me. When I'm dying inside, I use this forum to bring myself back from the brink of destruction.

As quiet as it's kept, my life is far from awful. Right now I'm hurting because of what's going on with New Boo. But thankfully, all is not lost in my life -- even though my heart is broken almost beyond repair.

I just want to let you know that I appreciate you sticking with me when I'm sure you'd rather be somewhere more pleasant.

Happy 4th!
Like I said before, the grief over losing New Boo comes and goes. It was gone for a few days, but now it's back with a vengeance.

I haven't heard from him since Monday. That makes me so sad. I'm trying not to be, but I can't help it. I don't feel like we're friends because of all that's transpired between us. But I'm still concerned about him.

Honestly, I think he's probably found the next chick, which is why I don't rank high on his list of priorities. As painful as it is to think, knowing him...it's probably true.

But here's my reality -- I'm not through loving him.

I've dated guys that I was through with by the time it was over. I had my emotions neatly packed away, so all was well when I left. Because of the way this thing went down, I didn't have that opportunity.

Now I'm out here...emotions flapping in the wind.

And please know -- I'm well aware that there's no going back once a man says, "I like you. I like doing things with you. But I don't want to be in a committed relationship with you."

I do get it. At least I do fundamentally.

But logistically, I'm not through with him. I haven't grown tired of looking at his face. I look forward to seeing him come in the door. I really miss that. I want to cook for him. All the habits I picked up with him, I want to continue those.

But I can't. Because he's gone. And I'm not through yet.

I have more meals to cook. More TV shows to watch with him. More Taco Tuesdays to enjoy.

I'm not through. But he's definitely through with me.

So I fight the tears as long as I can, and then I let them flow when I'm alone at night trying to understand why I'm alone again. How I can reconcile the fact that I put my all into something only to have it crash and burn again.

I feel like the kid who wants to play so badly, but has no one to play with. No one wants to be my friend, and I don't understand why. I'm a person like everyone else, but I'm destined to be alone right now.

And it hurts like hell. I wish I'd never given my heart. But I did. And now...I'm not through.