Thursday, January 28, 2016

That Question...

I spent the afternoon with My Teddy Bear. I think I could love him.

Today was significant because he shared something deeply personal with me. I appreciated him for doing it, but it brought up the one question I didn't want to discuss yet -- his need for children.

More than anything, I don't want someone to get stuck with me and miss out on the things they want out of life. I can look at how he is with me, and I know he'll be an amazing father. The LAST thing I want to do is keep him from that. But with me not getting any younger, I know that my window is closing. And I want him to be happy.

So I asked him, "What if I can't give you that? Would you be able to be satisfied with just me?" He said he could, and I'm sure he means it. But I can't shake this nagging feeling that one day he'll wake up and realize that I'm the reason he doesn't have a child of his own. I don't think I can take that kind of guilt.

Of course, these are questions that have time to be answered. I just can't take falling for another pipe dream...

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Snow Day Musings...

"Oh Snowy Day..."

The snow is coming down in NewYork City. It's almost a white-out situation.

I'm in the house alone. That's never good. I have leftover liquor from New Years. That's even worse.

So I'm in this house drinking alone.

I spoke to My Teddy Bear today, and he's good. Kicking it at home with his sister and her family. I've spoken to and texted him all day.

But when I looked out of my window, watching the snow come down...I missed New Boo and that other one.

To be clear, I don't want to be with New Boo again. Now that I'm in the throes of a new situation with My Teddy Bear, I am very happy. He's adorable and he cares for me in a way I'm not used to.

But when I'm alone...sometimes I do wonder what New Boo is doing. If he misses me. If he remembers watching the snow fall with me.

Knowing him, nothing is significant and he probably doesn't even think of me now. It's clear to me that he impacted me way more than I did him.

And yet I wonder.

But that's behind me now. Onward and upward with MTB...

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

In My Feelings, Part 2

So I'm in my feelings. Again.

Here's the deal. I told you last time that I'd be having a biopsy this week. That happens tomorrow. I thought my homegirl would be able to go with me, but she's got an engagement to attend that she just can't get out of. So guess who said they'd go with me? You guessed it -- My Teddy Bear.

Here's the problem with that -- I don't know if he's ready for the mess I might be afterwards. Heck, I don't know if I'M ready for the mess I might be. The way I see it, there's only one honeymoon period in a time when they think you're absolutely the best thing ever. He doesn't know I snore, and he thinks that I smell like juices and berries all the time. This situation could render me human in his eyes.

And of course, because I'm the one who thinks things all the way through, I wonder if he'll see me as damaged goods. I always fight that thought anyway, but now there won't be a doubt. What if I can't have children? He loves kids, and I can't see him not wanting them. If the worst case scenario were to be true, would I be enough for him? Would he still want to be with me if he knew that I'm all he'll ever have?

I know I'm being irrational. If he really likes me, he'll be here. He'll think I'm okay. He won't run when the going gets tough.

But this is the beginning. He hasn't seen me naked. What if I disappoint him? With all that's going on, what if I'm not the same?

I really need to get out of this house...

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

In My Feelings...

I'm feeling some kinda way, so please bear with me. So much has happened since we last spoke.

For one, the new guy -- who I'm gonna call My Teddy Bear -- is awesome. I know they all start off that way, but I swear he's different. For one, he's real. What that means is that he's not looking for perfection. He sees me just like I am -- flaws and all -- and he STILL likes me. I honestly don't know how to act, but I'm gonna do my best not to mess this up. For real.

We all know that the true test of a person is how they react in a crisis. For the record, I'm not the best person to have around when things go awry. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the reality of my life. Fortunately, that's not the case with MTB. As he told me, "I'm a grown man."

I recently decided that it was time to get my health together. So I went and got a physical and a well woman's exam. The well woman exam doctor is someone I saw last year when I was exploring my fertility options. Well, you know the winter kept me from following up on her suggestions...not to mention the fact that I forgot her name. So there were still some lingering questions about my situation. (And before you judge me, please know that I'm a southern girl through and through. I don't do much in the winter if I can help it.)

Anyway, when she got the results from my pelvic sonogram, she sat me down and explained that the placement of my fibroids didn't justify the amount of bleeding I was doing. That situation coupled with the fact that my blood levels were super low made her want to do a biopsy.

Please understand...I don't believe that I have cancer. However, I know that they don't do biopsy for just anything. So I'm a little freaked out. Just a little.

Meanwhile, I had been texting with MTB earlier that day when he told me that he'd lost one of his childhood friends to cancer. I told him that since I was gonna be in the city, I'd stop by his job to do a "drive-by hug." The goal was to comfort him.

Well, you KNOW I was a mess after getting that news. I didn't want to go, but I couldn't really come up with a good reason not to. Since the LAST thing I have is a poker face, he was able to see that something was wrong. I didn't want to tell him, but I didn't want to lie. So I told him. You know what he did? He held me and said, "You're gonna be fine."

While I was still jacked up, I left him and tried to believe that to be true.

The next day wasn't good at all. The medicines I was on had me cramping something terrible -- so terrible, in fact, that I had to go to the emergency room. Mind you, I had plans with MTB that afternoon, but I clearly had to postpone our date. What did he do? Offered to come to the hospital when he got off work and thanked my friend who came with me.

Today, he came over to see about me. We hung out all day, and I made lunch. For the most part, we just enjoyed each other's company. But you KNOW I had to apologize for bringing this madness into his life. He was so understanding and wonderful, basically telling me to shut up or else we'd fight.

I said all this to say that I think I've got a keeper on my hands. Just pray...

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

What Football Taught Me...

I am 45 years old. But I am not dead. Sometimes I feel like my dreams of a family are over. They are not.

This struck me as I was watching the game between Alabama and Clemson. Full disclosure -- I NEVER watch football. I fundamentally don't believe in it. What that means is that while I know it exists, I don't believe I should participate in it.

Anyway, that was an EXCELLENT game. Both teams fought until the bitter end with Alabama winning it 45 to 40. For some reason, it struck me because those kids wanted that victory and it was hard-won.

I want a family, but I know it'll be a hard-won victory over a worthy opponent -- my mind. So many times I've heard myself think, "I might as well give up. It's never gonna happen." As you can imagine, I definitely thought it during the summer of tears.

Now, though, there's a new dude in the picture. And while we've only been on one date, he's already stated his intentions to me. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm fighting for it. And I'm not giving up.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

The Date

I went on my date. 

I think my life may have changed forever.

Things started out innocently enough. I met him at his job and we went to the restaurant from there. He picked out another place he'd wanted to try, and it was very cool. Even though someone told me to wear jeans, I opted for a dress and boots. My thing was that I wanted to look like I cared, but not like I'd tried too hard.

We had a great time. We ate and walked a bit afterwards. And then he brought me home, because he wanted to make sure I got here safely. (His words, not mine.)

After making out a bit, he said something to me that literally brought me to tears.

He told me that he wants to build a solid foundation with me. That he's after my heart and my mind first. In his opinion, the body will follow. Because he sees big things in our future, he's not to get things out of order. And he wants to earn my trust.

So why did that bring me to tears, you ask?

Because honestly, it's what I've wanted to hear all my life. I've always wanted someone to want ME and not by body. At dinner, he told me he wanted to teach me the rules of football so I could see what a beautiful game it was. That's when he interjected, "See, I'm trying to keep you around for the long haul."

Here's what scares me...he's a big boy. And I don't mean kinda big. I mean can't wrap my arms around him big. And understand -- I knew that when I went out with him and for superficial purposes, it doesn't matter. I dated big guys before with no problems.

But after all the loss I experienced last year, I am NOT in the mood for more of the same. His size and his age are scaring me because I don't want to fall for him and have something happen to him. And straight up...I could see me falling for him because he's adorable.

So here I am...wanting to try again, but afraid to get caught up. 

Friday, January 8, 2016

Old Friends in New Roles

Looks like 2016 is getting off to a good start. I have a date. And not just any date, mind you. It's a date with someone I've known for a minute.

This guy is actually the friend of a couple of friends, and I met him at my homegirl's house. I never thought he'd be interested in me -- especially since he met me during my summer of tears, also known as the summer of 2015. Heck, I didn't think I registered with him.

That is, until he reached out to me. I spent almost two months in California, and he hit me up on Facebook. I can't lie -- I was kinda surprised. Even though we've always been cool, I never thought he liked me. In fact, the chick he went to elementary school had been trying to fix him up with my neighbor. We made plans for him to buy me drinks at my birthday party in New York.

Sadly, the party didn't happen. But you know me -- I reached out to him and said, "Say, the party didn't happen, but you still owe me drinks." He agreed, and we made plans to have drinks one evening. Since I wasn't really sure what kind of affair it was, I wore jeans and my Dallas shirt KNOWING that's he's a diehard Giants fan.

He picked out a cute little wine bar in Washington Heights. For a change, I got there early and waited for him. When he got there, he was the perfect gentleman. We laughed, talked, drank, and had a really good time. Since he had another engagement afterward, we ended the evening and went on our way.

Fast forward to the weekend. We both found ourselves at the same party -- which happens because we know the same people -- and he was like, "So when are we hanging out again?" We ended up making plans for dinner.

And that's where I am now. After over a week of texting and phone calls, I'm really excited to see what can happen now that I'm free from New Boo.

Speaking of which, I ran into his best friend at that same party. He looked at me with a perplexed look and said, "You look good." I thanked him, and he added, "You look happy."

That's the whole point...