Tuesday, May 19, 2015

My heart is sore. That's the only way I can describe it.

When I left you, New Boo hadn't come home. He finally made it in -- the next night. What he told me gave me more pause than I'm ready for. His explanation was that he'd done "something bad" -- I can't bring myself to say what -- and he didn't want me to see him that way.

Okay...I have to admit that I've NEVER dealt with that one. I didn't know what to do at all. For one, I realize that his issues have nothing to do with me because that's not the kind of person I am. Secondly, I love him, and I want to help, but this is so far removed from everything I know.

So that was bad, but I thought I'd be okay. Then he did something similar two nights later where he didn't come home until 2:30 in the morning. I was livid because we'd just had the same fight two days ago. His drunken philosophy was that he'd come home, so I should be okay. Never mind that he was drunk out of his mind.

We fought. And I don't mean just yelling and screaming. There was beating on doors, pushing and shoving. These are things that I just don't do normally, but I was taken outside of myself. Literally. The worst part -- he didn't even remember what happened the next day. He was like, "How did I end up on the couch?"

Now I'm really at a loss. I was so upset the day after that I left my house and stayed all day. I did it because my home felt like a war zone and I couldn't deal with it. The bad part? New Boo didn't even try to find out where I was. I came home at 2am, and he didn't even flinch. I'm guessing this is the way I'm supposed to react to what he does.

I don't want to live like this. I can't.
What I wouldn't give to turn back the hands of time.
To a time when I knew you loved me.
When you loved US.
You wanted to be with me as much as I want to be with you.
And that's what we did.

We were the couple of the year. 
We were the ones who could beat the odds.
We were the ones who could actually stay in love.
I wanted you to be the end of my dating career
And you wanted me to be the end of yours.

Now I don't even recognize those people.
They don't exist. 
My heart hasn't changed
But yours has.

I feel it when you look at me
You used to see me.
You used to see my love for you.
You used to see my heart.
Now you just see the woman you tolerate.

You don't want to be with me
And it's obvious.
I know you like new and exciting.
That's not me anymore.

I see you going down a destructive path.
Not only destructive to US, but to you.
And I can't do a thing about it.

What happened here?
We're fighting each other
And not for the relationship.

My heart is so heavy
I can't hold it up.
But I don't have time to lay it down

I've never cried so much in my life
Over someone who's alive.
I've never mourned something like this
Something I never thought I'd have to mourn.

This is the worst feeling I've ever had in my life.
And I want it to stop.
Is there any way I can stop this pain
Or turn back the hands of time

If I could, I would turn them back to before I met you
And leave it there.

there will come a day when it won't matter to me what you do or how you do it.
i won't care about you or where you'll live or how you're doing or how you feel.
that day isn't today.
i wish it was.

then i wouldn't care about how you'll handle my sadness.
how you'll come in here with no words.
your happiness won't be a concern of mine.
and that's when i'll know it's completely over.

today is not that day.
today you matter more than you should.
today my heart is so empty and wounded and hurt that i can't handle it.
i wish this was another day.

i just want what we said we wanted.
i'm willing to work on it.
i now know you're not.
that hurts, too.

all i want to do is be with you.
love you like i used to.
have you love me like you used to.
when we'd sneak out at night to find someplace to put our trash.

as much as i hated the haunted house of horrors, our relationship
was good there.
you loved me there.
you wanted me there.
you wanted to be there...
with me.

now we're in this comfortable place
but there's no comfort for me
because there's no comfort for you
with me.

maybe it's too much for me to ask you
to do what you said you would.
maybe it's too much for me to believe you.
but i did believe you.
i thought you wanted a life with me.
maybe you still do
but i don't believe it.
i can't.

you won't come home
and when you're here, you're really not.
you want something or someone
but it's clearly not me
and that hurts.

maybe this is the natural ebb and flow of relationships.
maybe i just don't understand.
maybe i'm missing something
i wish someone would give me a clue.

because this shit is painful
and i don't think i deserve it.
then again...maybe i do.
maybe this is the price you pay for love.
or maybe i'm just loving the wrong one.
i just don't know...

Remember?

Remember when you loved me? I do. When you came to Harlem to see me in my dinky little room. When you came to see me when I was sick as a dog with strep throat. When you bought me a coffee cup at the haunted house of horrors because you got tired of seeing me drink it out of a plastic cup.

Remember when you wanted to be with me? I do. When you would meet me at the job so we could take the train together. When you invited me out with you and your friends for Halloween. When we spent the day walking through Riverside Park. And all those times we'd go look for places to leave our trash.

Remember when we were friends? I do. When you let me cry on your chest. When you held me when I found out that the man I left for you died. When you held my hand.

What happened?

Thursday, May 14, 2015

The Beginning of the End, Part 2

In any relationship, there's a point of no return. For the late The Guy I Thought Was The One, it was the point at which he cussed me out. For New Boo, I see it's the point where he can't come home.

To be fair -- as much as I can be -- he knew he was coming home to a fight. My text messages said so, and I don't know that I blame him for wanting to avoid that. However, I submit that he could've avoided it had he been respectful and considerate in the beginning.

The day started out typically for us in that he went out to work and I stayed home to work. Because I didn't really have anything particular on my agenda, I let him use my metrocard because it's unlimited and would allow him to save a couple of bucks. In the afternoon, he hit me up and asked about dinner. I told him what I wanted to make, and what I needed him to make, and that was what was supposed to happen.

Then I get a call from him saying that he had to work late. No problem, I said, just let me know what's up and we'll work it out. Cool. Next thing I know, he texting me saying that he'll be out in 30 minutes.

This is where things get hairy. If he leaves work in 30, his commute takes him anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour. Okay...so I start putting the meal together. Once everything is done, I hit him up to see how close he is. No response. Okay...then another hour and a half goes by, and I start to worry. After all, this is the same city where a man got arrested for wielding a hammer in the streets. I hit him up to ask where he is. That's when he tells me that he stopped to watch the hockey game and have drinks with his boys.

That's when I got irritated. Do I mind him watching hockey and drinking? No. Even though I didn't know he liked hockey, I wouldn't have tripped on that. What made me mad was that he didn't just tell me that beforehand. 

About 10 minutes later he hits me with the, "They wanna get another drink." I hit him back with the expressionless emoticon to let him know that I'm not pleased. He asks, "Can I," and adds, "I'll make it up to you when I get home."

At this point, my patience has worn thin, and I tell him to do what he wants but just know that I'm a  little disgusted because he could've let me know what was going on hours ago. He then asks me if I want him to come home, and I blew up. I said, "I wanted you to let me know you were staying out before you did it. Do what you want to do now."

TWO HOURS later, and I haven't heard from him so I say, "Um...will you be making an appearance at home this evening?" That's when he tells me that he's still out and that he's going to Brooklyn to stay with one of his boys.

Now, we JUST had a huge blowout a couple of weeks ago and I told him that no matter what happens, he needs to come home because it's disrespectful not to when you live with someone. But this is what he chose to do.

Am I wrong to be upset about all this? I don't know, but now I have some decisions to make. The way I see it, I can't marry someone who has no regard whatsoever for my feelings and no respect for me. After all, I'm bending over backwards to make sure that I make choices that are beneficial to both of us. Meanwhile, he's all about himself. 

I'm hurt and upset, but I can't really feel anything because I'm beyond numb right now. Stay tuned...

Saturday, May 2, 2015

I Saw It

I saw it.

You know how you try to rationalize things to make them feel better? Try to say to yourself, "Oh...you're just being paranoid." You talk yourself out of conversations you know you need to have because you don't want to come off as crazy.

But I saw it.

When he looked at me like I was the most disgusting person in the world. When he refused to kiss me. When he pulled away from my touch...I knew what was happening, but I didn't want to believe it.

But I saw it.

He said he loves me, but only after I tell him. He touches me, but only when he wants to. Every other time, he's wrapped up -- literally and figuratively -- in his own world. I tried to give him space and let him work through his issues and come back to me.

But I saw it.

Now I sit here, just after sunrise, and he hasn't come home. Never mind that we I share a bed, a house, a life. He decided that whatever was going on with him was so important that he couldn't be bothered to make an appearance here -- even after I asked him to.

So I saw it.

I saw this coming. I saw him pull his heart away and lock it behind the wall that keeps his precious things. The wall I thought would keep our love safe. The wall that I could see, but never get around.

I saw it.
And I ignored it.
I wished it away.
But now it's here.
And I can't ignore it any longer.

The love I thought we had is gone.
The respect, the trust, the life I thought we had is gone.
He has taken it from me.
And I have nothing.
No dignity, no love, nothing.

And I saw it coming the whole time.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Handwriting. On the Wall. The End.

The handwriting is on the wall. I see it, and while it's painful, I have to plan accordingly. I have to protect myself and try not to become bitter.

New Boo is falling out of love with me. He can deny it if he wants to, but I see it. He can't hide his disgust and disdain with me, and there's nothing I can do to make it better because I don't know where it all went wrong.

When he left for work this morning, he didn't even let me watch him walk out. He scurried out to get to the job he hates even more than me. And I knew, in that instant, that our situation is over. I cried so hard. My homegirl did her best to convince me that I was overreacting. Maybe. But now I know for sure he doesn't want to be with me.

I went to the city with my homegirl and then I went to work. Usually when I'm in the city with him, he wants to meet me so we can go home together. We did that, but on the way home, we were talking about walking. He likes to do it, but I'm not a fan. That's when he said, "That's why I don't like waiting for you." Basically, if he gets off the train and the bus isn't there, he doesn't mind walking home. I'm not like that, so now he doesn't want to wait for me. He's never said that to me. 

I could take all this as the newness of us is wearing off. And if it is, I know it's the beginning of the end because he likes new and interesting. Now I'm just old hat...and he doesn't love me anymore.

The killer part? I don't think he'll leave me because he won't have anywhere else to go. So he'll stay here, fall out of love with me, and just string me along. Well, that's not quite true. He won't string me along -- he'll just not be bothered with me altogether.

My heart hurts because I've invested so much of my love into this relationship. My heart is sore because I see the end coming. He doesn't want to marry me. He doesn't want to be with me. And he can say whatever he wants, I see him. 

I honestly hope I'm just being paranoid. But I'm probably not. I know what my heart feels...