Saturday, April 30, 2016

Brunch Anyone?

Brunch reservations. Who would've thought making them would bring up so much?

My Teddy Bear just changed his schedule, which means that we haven't seen each other this week. As you know, this has been a hard week for me because of the reemergence of New Boo and my other issues. Anyway, he asked me to make brunch reservations for Sunday. I tried to ask him what he liked, what the budget was, etc., but all he said was, "Just make 'em. It's not that deep."

I didn't realize it, but it really WAS that deep for me. 

The last time I made brunch reservations was for me and The Man Formerly Known as The One.

It was so painful for me at the time that I didn't write about it. Basically, he came to visit me for his birthday, and I wanted to make it special. I got an outfit that I knew he'd like, a present that would mean something to him, and I made reservations for brunch at this really great spot in the city. It wasn't until all of this was done that I found out that he didn't like surprises. He scowled and acted such an a$$ that I ended up in tears. I haven't made any more plans for anyone else. Until this.

Now MTB asked me to do something that should've been super simple, and I almost lost it. And I didn't realize what was going on. When I did, I had to explain it. He said two things -- one was, "If I ask you to make plans, I'm saying that I want to do what YOU want to do." The other thing was, "If I don't like it, I'll just suck it up."

That's why he's the one for me.

One of the things he always tells me is that a relationship is a place where you bring your bags and unpack them. You throw away what doesn't work and the things that do, you fold them up and put them in their rightful place. 

I've never dated anyone who wants to see my good, bad, and my ugly. Most guys -- and by that I mean New Boo -- ran when reality became too real. I think that's why I have a tendency to shy away from things that are too heavy.

My Teddy Bear marks a new era in my life. Let's hope it's a permanent one.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Repeat Performance...NOT!!!

I knew it would happen. I just knew it.

New Boo called me.

He texted me first from a number I didn't recognize. The minute I saw the words on the screen I knew it was him. Instead of playing the "who is this" role, I entertained it. Next thing you know, I'm on the phone with the orchestrator of my greatest heartache. I'm talking, laughing, and sharing with the man who broke me.

He says he's sorry. He knows he was wrong. He admits he was screwed up and messed up with me. He misses our life together.

I do, too.

But I've moved on. I've got a good man who loves me to death. I have someone in my corner who treats me like gold.

I told him that.

So why was I thinking about seeing him again?

Fortunately I have good friends who love me enough to pull me from the brink. My girl said, "The woman he's living with is probably about to put him out."

It was a year ago when he started acting out with me. It must be something about spring with him.

Whatever it is for him, here's what it won't be for me -- a repeat performance.

I remember something we discussed early in our relationship. I told him that I was the kind of girl that men can only appreciate in hindsight. He said to me, "But I see you now." As I think about the foolishness he plied me with today, I can only think that he was lying. Again. No, thank you.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

The State of Me

Have you ever felt like a fish out of water? That's how I feel with My Teddy Bear.

He's an awesome man. The way he treats me is second to none. I'm realizing that men actually CAN love women in a way that's real and pure.

So why am I having a hard time accepting it?

I swear...I never thought I'd be here, but I am. I don't feel worthy of his kindness and affection. And I can't pinpoint why I'm having issues with it. It's like I've finally found exactly what I need in a man, but I don't know that I'm good enough for him.

Could it be because New Boo still creeps into my dreams?

Please be clear -- NO woman deserves to be put through what NB put me through. I treated him like gold, but he tossed me aside like glass. I sometimes think that the way I'm feeling about MTB is how NB felt about me -- like he wasn't good enough.

The difference between me and NB is that I recognize MTB's goodness as being an inherent part of him. I understand that he would treat anyone he chooses to love the way he treats me. In other words, he treats me good because HE's good -- not me.

I can't say that out loud to anyone. No one will believe I'm going through this.

More than anything, I won't break MTB's heart like NB broke mine. He's too good for me not to trifle with. It's my goal to be worthy of what he wants to give me.

I don't know how I'm going to do that.

Here's the real screwed up part -- the guys I've been with have been so awful that my awfulness wasn't so bad compared to them. Now that I have a good man on my team, I see just how bad I am.

Maybe I really do need help. Or maybe my hormones are out of whack. I don't know. All I know is that I'm gonna keep this stuff to myself so I won't taint the one good thing I've ever had with my foolishness.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

No Rest

Writing is the way I deal with most things these days. It's easier for me to type than to talk sometimes. The way I see it, I can get everything out without having to answer questions about it.

This thing with Prince has me shaken.

I'm fully aware that he was human, and humans die every day. They're not designed to live forever. But when talking of someone as iconic as Prince, that's what you expect. They're not supposed to die when you're not ready. Or when there's no reason to think that they would. He wasn't even sick -- as far as we know.

Maybe if we knew more about him, this wouldn't be so hard. If we had an insight into what was actually going on in his life, it would make this easier.

My initial Facebook status when I heard the news was, "I do NOT want to believe this, and I don't want it to be true. As this news settles into my heart, I honestly can't handle it and I don't want to. Prince provided the soundtrack to so many memorable moments in my life. He may rest, but I certainly will not. Not for a while..."

I still feel that way. 

What makes me sad about Prince's death isn't him dying. Let's be honest -- he wasn't a relative or even a close friend. We never shared a laugh or a hug. It's what it symbolizes for me. He was the one I listened to when I wanted to be bad. (Remember Erotic City? Darling Nikki?) He was the one who made me feel grown when I was nowhere near adulthood. (I was a Hot Thing who had The Look) My teenage love letters were populated with his lyrics. (The Beautiful Ones? Adore, anyone?) Basically, his passing signals the end of an era. He joins Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Rick James, Teena Marie, and Luther Vandross as musicians who provided the soundtrack to my childhood & teenage years.

Straight up, this death thing is making me tired. I just lost my mentor last week. The work of mourning is too hard to have to do it often. Last year was a year of personal loss for me, and it was devastating. To have to start off this year losing people who mean something to me -- whether or not they know it -- is really trying to my soul.

Yes, I know I will get past this. Today, though, as my body betrays me yet again...I just don't know.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Sunday Morning...

French vanilla coffee brewing, good music playing, your man playing on his computer, and your best friend having brunch. Laughing, talking, teasing, and having fun.

Sometimes, even in the midst of chaos, life comes together in a way that really makes you happy.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Out of Words, Out of Time...

There are times when you run out of words. Letters won't come together to make syllables, and sounds get stuck in your throat. That's how I've felt this week.

I got hit by the news that the person who gave me my first job died. He took me under his wing when I was fresh out of college. For some reason, he saw something in me and nurtured it. I don't know if that was his original intention, but that's what he did. The situation he put me in allowed me to learn things that some people never do. It's crazy how many things I do today that are a direct result of what I learned during my time with him.

It's been 20 years since I worked with him, and now he's gone. I always thought I'd see him again...maybe even work together. This was NOT supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to run out of time.

That's why I've run out of words. Damn.

Doug Banks, 1958-2016

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Worthy

Sometimes I wonder if I'm worthy of a good relationship. I certainly don't know how to do it. I feel like every time I'm with My Teddy Bear, I'm dancing as fast as I can so he won't see the real me.

And who am I? It depends on the day.

Some days I feel invincible. I feel like his love is the wind beneath my wings. I think I can fly as high as my wings will take me.

Other days, his love is a burden. It weighs on me and threatens to suffocate me because it's so pure and honest, and I don't feel worthy. I feel like a fraud so many times when I'm with him. It's not that I don't love him. I do. But I don't know I deserve him.

I think about his goals. We talked about them one morning, and he told me that one of his goals was to find someone to love. I want to be the one he loves, but sometimes...it's overwhelming.

Another thing he wants is to have good credit. My credit was great when I left New York. A few years in Los Angeles was enough to wipe that out. It wasn't that I didn't want to pay my bills, but I just didn't have it. Now that I'm back in NYC, I'm still struggling to make ends meet. Most times they just kinda wave at each other.

It's so shameful to me that I never talk about it. He's making moves to be secure. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to survive. As we get closer and I see more of who he is, I realize that he might be too good for me.

At the end of the day, that's the real fear. That I'm not good enough to be with him...that my shortcomings may be too much for him to overlook. It's a mess to me to think this way, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't.

Let's see what happens...