Sunday, December 21, 2014

Life Matters: My Take on All This Madness

I am vexed beyond words about the situation with the two police officers being shot in Brooklyn. What bothers me is the blatant disregard for life -- on both sides. The man who felt like it was okay to take the lives of two police officers CLEARLY had no disregard for life because he took theirs and his own.

And then there are the situations with Eric Garner and Michael Brown. Both situations show a disregard for life. For humanity, really. And it's painful to me that all of these families will have holes in them because someone felt like it was okay to take a life.

There was a time in the not-so-distant past when people could fight and disagree -- and everyone went home to fight another day. When did it become okay to kill a person for whatever reason?

As quiet as it's kept, by NOT indicting the police officers for killing those guys, it shows that life doesn't really matter. And it's easy to say Black life (and believe me, I do believe that it's open season on brothers), but the police shooting adds another dimension to it, in my opinion. And before you get started, YES, I realize that it was the random act of a deranged man. But I think that if the correct officers had been indicted, maybe those cops would alive to spend Christmas with their families.

At this point, I almost feel selfish wanting to bring children into a world like this. (And to update you, I'm not pregnant...just late.) And I'm kinda scared for my brother, New Boo, and all the rest of the brothers who have targets on their heads. Our world makes me sad right now.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Uh Oh...

My period is late.

What does that mean? Well, since New Boo and I have been trying to get pregnant, it COULD mean that we've been successful. Of course, I'm also 44 years old. It could mean that menopause has come early.

Since it's only been a week -- and my body sometimes switches up -- I'm not overly worried about it. At least not yet.

Stay tuned...

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Where I Am Today...

This is such a surreal place for me right now. I'm actually in a good relationship. I have a boyfriend who loves me and does his best for me. He isn't perfect by any stretch, but we can talk and dream together. That means so much to me. And it's so not where I expected to be.

I'm the girl who always wondered who would want me. I'm not that easy to get along with, I snore, and I'm generally not the chick who gets the good guy. And please understand -- I do not begrudge the women who found their Mr. Wonderfuls before I did. I just always wondered where mine was.

It was okay to be alone in my 20s and 30s -- even though I didn't want to be. You can still write that off as being young. But when you reach 40, things change. At 40, you can't blame anything on your youth. And you also start to modify your dreams. You realize that babies might not be on your agenda at this stage of your life -- even if you want them. (I actually had a man tell me once that I must not have wanted children because if I did, I would've had them by now. It pissed me off because he made it seem like me wanting to wait to have a family -- as opposed to a baby -- was wrong.)

When you're a 40-year-old single woman, you have to make a serious decision about how you want the rest of your life to be. You can either settle into being a bitter cat woman who hates on everyone who has what you don't, or you can learn to celebrate with those who are happy and find the happy in your own solitary life. Is it hard? Of course it is. But it was always my goal to be better -- not bitter.

So I was learning to love my single life, enjoying my friends, and doing whatever I wanted to do when The Man Formerly Known as The One came back into my life. And while I loved him, there was always a nagging voice in the back of mind that wanted more. But honestly, I thought that he was the best I could do.

Then New Boo hit the scene and shook up everything I ever thought about relationships -- especially where I'm concerned. From the very beginning, he was different. He started out taking care of me -- even before he knew who and what I was. When we finally did hook up, he made it different from every other man before him. As our relationship progressed, he made it very clear to me that he wasn't what I was used to -- he was exponentially better.

Now we're here, and I'm thinking about marriage, babies, and other things that have alluded me all my life. What's awesome is that he feels the same way. He's experienced so many bad things at the hands of people who were supposed to love him that he was jaded when he met me. But now he, too, is dreaming again...and I'm the star. I asked him once what he saw when he looked at me. He said, "I see my future."

He's my future, too. I can't wait to get started.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Fight For You...A Love Song

I was listening to Pandora, and this song came up. I hadn't heard it before, but when I listened to it, I realized that this is just what New Boo is doing. For me. Because he loves me. 

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The Point of No Return...

There comes a point in every relationship where you go past the point of no return. When you've literally put everything on the table. You can end up revealing some things you never intended to or realized you'd have to admit. I've reached that point with New Boo.

I went home for Thanksgiving, and New Boo stayed here. We kept in close touch while I was gone, but I know we missed each other. When I got home, he had dinner waiting for me and we watched TV and got reacquainted. Afterward, we had a discussion about what went on at home.

One of the things that happened while I was gone was that one of the guys I slept with back in the day hit me up and offered me "birthday dick." Naturally I shut him down because I now have a man. And honestly, since I'm grown, that's just not cool. I probably should've been offended because, let's be real clear, this is how this guy always gets down.

I had no intention of telling New Boo about that incident. But he asked me, and I don't have the capacity to lie to him. If I say he hit the roof, I only say it because it's true. I wasn't prepared for his reaction at all. He was truly pissed off because he was like, "Why would you associate with someone like that?" It took a minute before I could truly see his point, and when I did, I had to admit some things.

For one, I had to admit that I'm more used to dealing with disrespectful guys than those who truly care. And I realize that I'm not used to having someone care about me enough to be angry when I get disrespected. And then I had to admit to myself that I'm not used to anyone standing up for me. Not even my mom.

I told New Boo about the time when a man pulled a knife with me. When I told my mother about it, she was very nonchalant about it -- even though she knew the guy! Even though I never really thought about it, that situation really shaped how I deal with things.

For one, I tend to let people say anything to me -- especially guys. I do it because I don't want to have to deal with the drama that can come with rejection. And that's led to me down a path that I'm not especially proud of, complete with disrespectful jerks and lowlife guys who say things to me like, "I can do anything I want to you and no one will care because you don't have anyone."

Bottom line: I have lived an unfulfilled and unloved life, and I've done everything I know how to do to make it work for me. And it hasn't. And now that I'm with someone who really cares, and I don't know how to handle it. But I want exactly what he's offering, and I'm willing to do what I need to do to have it.

Now I just have to hope that he won't look at my screwed-up self and decide I'm not worth the bother.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

One of the Many Things I'm Thankful For...

I have the best boyfriend in the world -- bar none. He is so awesome and I love him so much. I know it hasn't been a long time, but I can honestly look at this man and see my future. And it looks extremely bright.

The thing that makes New Boo so unique is our friendship. It's genuine on both sides. I never feel like I'm forcing anything with him because we are just so natural together. That makes me extremely happy. And the way he treats me is insane. In all my history of dating, I've never had a man treat me as much like a princess as this man does. And it's not like he's doing it to impress me. He does it because that's his nature. That's what makes it so wonderful to me.

I love how he keeps his mind fresh by constantly learning and teaching himself new things. He watches documentaries. He researches any and everything around the sun. He doesn't work out at a gym, but he keeps himself in shape by walking.

Is he perfect? Absolutely not. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not, either. But what's beautiful about it is that we are perfect for each other. For that, I'm thankful.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Surprise! My People Love Me...

I absolutely have the best boyfriend and friends in the world. Last night, they got together to throw me a surprise birthday party. My birthday is next weekend, but I'll be home celebrating with my mom -- with whom I share a birthday. Normally my friends and I celebrate when I get back, but this time my homegirl -- the event planner extraordinaire -- will be throwing a paid party. So she told me she'd cook dinner for me and my boyfriend. When I left my house, I thought it was just going to be me, New Boo, my homie and one other friend. Imagine my surprise when everyone was there.

But let me back up and say that it blessed me even more that New Boo was there. He had to work, so I thought he'd be meeting me at my friend's house. But he came home first. It touched me that he'd realize how much this meant to me and actually come through for me. When he got here, I was on the verge of tears. Why? Because disappointment I'm used to. Disappointment I can handle. When people do what they say they're going to do, I don't always know how to handle it. And even though I'm extremely open with him, I didn't want him to see that.

So I was already emotional when we got to my friend's house. And when I saw all my friends gathered there, I literally almost burst into tears. My friend, a practical, no-nonsense person who knows me extremely well, said, "You betta not cry." So I had to go in the bathroom to pull myself together.

The party was great, and it was so good to formally introduce New Boo to my friends. He was a perfect gentleman and I appreciated how cool he was with everyone. At the end of the night, we came home and all was well. Even though we had planned to have some extra fun at home, we were both tired and we just fell out.

New Boo had to go to work this morning. As he was leaving, I reached up to give him a hug. He did the splits to get to my level, and I thanked him for last night. He said, "You deserve it."

You can't beat that with a stick.