Saturday, August 29, 2015

To Block or Not to Block

To block or not to block. That is the question.

There's a wonderful feature on my iPhone 6 that allows me to block out any caller that I don't want to hear from. No calls, no texts, no nothing. I can completely cut them out of my life with one selection on a touch screen.

I'm debating on doing that to New Boo.

To be clear, it's not like he's contacting me every day. He's not that concerned about what's going on with me. However, he'd like to reserve the right to contact me when HE wants to. That means that whenever I'm about to get back on track, or move to a place that would render him useless to me, he might hit me up and shatter my world again.

So why wouldn't I block him?

I wouldn't be able to contact him, either. I couldn't get phone calls or text messages from him. We would be more like strangers than ever, and we wouldn't be able to communicate. That would make me sad.

On the other hand, how does one move on without a complete severing of the relationship? There's no healing for the wound that's constantly picked at. Every time a scab forms, it's ripped off. That's no good for the wounded.

To block or not to block. That is my dilemma.

Friday, August 28, 2015

That Some Kinda Way Kinda Day

You know how you can feel "some kinda way," but not really know why? It finally hit me why I'm feeling some kinda way today.

I am officially old.

Now, I must admit that this wasn't a new revelation. As a human, I've been aging since the day I was born. I fight it to the death with hair dye, cute clothes, etc. But yesterday -- the same day I would've celebrated my one-year anniversary with New Boo -- I found out that I need new glasses. Not just ANY new glasses. I need progressive lenses. If you're not familiar with that terminology, it's basically the new way to say you need bifocals.

I was crushed, to say the least.

Here I am, a single woman with no children and no prospects for a husband with graying hair and now a need for bifocals. Who the hell is going to want me now? What the hell am I supposed to do? With every other thing that's happened this year, I think I've tried to be positive and hold on to hope that it could happen for me. This diagnosis -- while I was able to be pleasant at my doctor's office -- really has sent me into a tailspin.

It's almost like saying that everything I ever wanted has officially passed me by.

Maybe I'm overreacting. I know it's possible. But I really don't know what to do. And of course, there's really no one I can talk to that'll understand exactly how I feel. Everyone will try to tell me that my life isn't over. And they'll be right -- a prescription for progressive lenses isn't a cancer diagnosis. But right now, it feels as life-ending.

If the glasses don't look good, I'll never be able to go out again -- at least not to the lounges and clubs reserved for my younger friends. If I was safely ensconced in a marriage -- or at the very least a relationship with potential -- I could talk to my man about it and he could tell me that I was crazy or that it really doesn't matter because he loves me just the way I am.

So here I am...stuck with the sum total of my thoughts. In most cultures, this would be an ice cream, wine, or some other vice kinda night. But I kinda don't want to do that. I kinda want to make the wings I thawed out and get some McDonald's fries to go with them. That way, I can be semi-healthy as I wallow.

And yes, I'm going to wallow tonight. But once it's over, I'm going back to my life. I'm going to remember that I'm loved regardless of whether I have a man in my life. I'm going to try to figure out how I can be nice to all the kids in my life so that they won't scoff at caring for me when I get too old to do it myself. And I'm going to remember that I'm enough and I'm okay just the way I am.

That's tomorrow. Tonight, we wallow.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

What I Need...

Now that I've had a few days to recover, I know what I need.

It's NOT New Boo.

As much as I love him and want to keep him in my life, I realize he's not good for me. He doesn't want to be my friend, and I refuse to beg for his friendship. All he wants to do is use me. His goal is to have enough options so he doesn't have to sleep on the train. As I told him when he was here, I am NOT an option. I have to be a priority. And that's where I'm leaving it with him. The next time he contacts me, I'm not going to be available.

As far as Tinderfella is concerned, I think he's adorable. But the sex thing is a concern of mine. I think he's a great guy. But I know me -- I don't think I can take him seriously like that. I'm sure he could be worked with and taught...but he deserves more than someone who's willing to work with him. He needs someone who could adore him. I don't know if I could ever really be that one.

If New Boo and I had made it, today would've been our one-year anniversary.

I look back at what was going on this day a year ago, and I still wonder how it all could've changed so quickly. But I realize that no matter how much I wanted our love to work, I couldn't make it happen by myself. And I couldn't make a man-child grow up into a fully-formed human. So even though I am somewhat sad about the situation, I know that I'm doing the right thing by walking away from him.

Now it's time to move on. Tinderfella and I can be great friends if he can get over me. I don't know if he can. I feel him pulling away from me because, in his words, I "turned him out" the other night. Sadly, he did NOT do that to me.

At this point, I think I just need to learn how to be by myself.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Date Night, Part 2

So...I kinda left you hanging, but I'm here to bring you up to speed.

New Boo showed up.

I literally had put Tinderfella out, and two hours later, New Boo contacted me.

I guess I should've kept it moving, but I had dreamed of him twice -- once that very night. So it was almost like I called him in the atmosphere.

He was here in about two more hours. And we were naked in another hour. Ugh.

Afterwards, we went to brunch. We walked in the park. We went to Ikea. He didn't leave until Monday morning. And we hashed out everything. I finally got the closure I needed. My conclusion?

New Boo is a pathological liar who has way more problems than any person should deal with. He's a user, and he's a selfish, inconsiderate, and generally awful person. While he does have some redeeming qualities, they are few and far in between.

I love him with all my heart and it's gonna take a miracle to change that any time soon. I wish my love was enough to get him where he needs to be, but it'll never be. Furthermore, I don't want a fixer-upper. I want a fully-formed human.

I'll keep praying for him, but that's about all I can do. Being with him puts my heart in jeopardy and I just can't risk it anymore.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Date Night

Tinderfella and I finally had our date. Let's just say it wasn't what I expected.

We went to see "Straight Outta Compton" -- an excellent film, by the way -- and then he came home with me. Against my better judgement, I let him come upstairs.

I should back up at this point and say that I looked fierce for our first official date. I pulled out the big guns -- a dress and heels  -- and all he could say when he saw me was, "Damn."

We spent the movie acting like stupid teens who didn't have anywhere to go. He kept putting his hands between my legs...and I kept letting him -- again, against my better judgement. And then I let him bring me home.

His first order of business was to remove my shoes and massage my legs and feet. That was new for me. In all my years, I can honestly say that no man has done that for me -- unless it involved him sucking my toes. Of course, that led to him putting his face between my legs.

Ladies, I don't have to tell you how awesome that can be. Since it never was New Boo's thing, I didn't get that a lot. And it just so happens that Tinderfella is good at this. In fact, that's really ALL he should do. But I digress...

By the time the next act rolled around, I was more than ready. So imagine my chagrin when the reality of his sexual prowess just wasn't there. In fact, it was a situation that seriously made me want to get a V8.

On the flipside, I KNOW he had a good time. Some of the phrases I heard were, "Oh snap," "Gotdamn," and my personal favorite, "You da best." All things I've heard before, but it's always nice to hear again. At one point, I had to scold him for questioning something I'd asked him to do. Let's just say he got the point.

I now understand why both of the loves of his life cheated on him. With the exception of his head game, he's a lousy lover. The problem is that he's physically too big and he's not really able to keep an erection. Not a good combination.

When he'd finally had enough, we went to sleep. That's when I proceeded to dream about New Boo for the second time in a week. Just so you know, it's never good to dream about one man when another is in your bed.

Anyway...as exciting as all of this was, it was NOT the highlight of my weekend. Stay tuned...

Monday, August 17, 2015

After the Morning After

We finally had our date...sort of.

I add the disclaimer because it didn't feel like a real date. We met up on a corner in the city. He wasn't hungry, so we ended up at my favorite burger joint. Since he didn't eat, I didn't want to ask him to pay -- and that's where things got hairy for me.

I have one hard, fast rule in dating. I only put out once a night. If I put out at the table -- i.e. pay -- I'm not putting out anywhere else. Call me crazy, that's just how I see it.

After that, he wanted to go make out. So here we are, on a park bench right off Times Square, making out like teenagers with no homes. Honestly, that is NOT a good look for a grown woman. But I knew if I brought him here, it was going to be pandemonium. I took him to work with me -- because it only made sense to do my show before I came home. We were in a studio, and while I don't know how impressed he was, I know he was trying to get at me in a real way. After that, we waited for the train together and said our good-byes for the evening.

So what did I do when I got home? Sent New Boo a text. I told him that I missed him and was praying for him and wished him happiness with whatever he was doing.

Stupid, right?

That's what my homegirl said. She called me right after I sent it. She said that I gave him power and that he now knows that he still his a hold on me.

I don't see it that way because I think he's already blocked me and won't see the text anyway. And even if he does, he's moved so far past me that he doesn't care. That's what's obvious to me about New Boo. He's really over me.

It makes me sad, but if I'm honest, what he's doing to me is just what I did to Mr. Wonderful. When I walked out of his house, I was completely done. But I had had time to get over him in my head long before we broke up. And that's what New Boo did to me. He took a few months and got over me. He would've stayed here not loving me, but I put him out.

So here we are. We try again, but this time we're scared. We see why people try to get out before someone leaves them. But it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

The Aftermath...

He says he wants to fall in love with me.

He's making plans in the future for me.

He sounds like he wants to be with me.

So why do I think he's full of it?

After last night's failed date -- and my subsequent meltdown -- I really don't know what to do. I like Tinderfella, but I don't know if I'm ready or able to believe again. Am I wrong to feel this way? A lot of me thinks I am.

And I'm realizing that I'll never be number one with him because he has a family. Honestly, I think I need to be a man's top priority -- behind God and his job, of course. But I know I won't be with this one.

It's funny. I told him I was a mess, but until last night, I didn't really know what that meant. Sure, I know my heart is in disarray. But I didn't realize that any little setback could destroy me the way it did last night. I honestly felt like all of my hopes and dreams had been crushed and ground into powder. Let's just say I don't like that feeling.

I hate what I've become.

Now I see why people get bitter. And it's probably not so much bitter, but tired of being hurt. I don't know...it could just be me right now. I hate feeling like I can't talk to anyone, but I'm still so teary and no one wants to talk to me when I'm crying.

So I write and try to get it out so I can put up some sort of front for the people around me. So they won't think I'm as weak as I am. They won't see how shattered and broken I am -- and believe me when I tell you, I am completely heartbroken. And I don't know if I'll ever be myself again.

That's the part that really stings. I like me. But this thing has made me a different person, and I hate that. This is what would make me hate New Boo. This is what he wanted, though. He wanted me to hate him.

And then there's Tinderfella.

He still sounds like he likes me. He still seems to want to be with me. But I don't know if it's fair to subject him to what I'm going through. I want to discuss it with him, but why? What can he do -- other than utter pretty words that might make me feel better -- or could possibly make me feel worse. I don't know...it's just a whole lot to deal with.

And honestly, does he deserve this? Does he deserve to be with someone who's so messed up that missed date becomes an issue? Does anyone?

I don't know anything anymore. I wish someone would just come in and make everything alright.