Friday, November 20, 2015

Someone to Love

I need someone to love.

I realized this tonight as I sit here trying to write for work. I need someone in my life who needs me. I never really thought I needed that before this very moment.

Watching people love and care for each other is awesome, but I wanna participate in that, too. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines.

Here's when you KNOW it's gotten bad. The thought of getting a pet actually crossed MY mind. I don't even like animals like that. But I want someone or something to cuddle with. And since I don't have a man or a baby, I need something that I can shower all this affection on that I have bottled up in my heart.

I should probably stop here and say that I know my period is somewhere around the corner because I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. It's not the time for that.

Anyway...I need someone to love. Period.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

What About Me?

I am not a jealous person by nature. I need to say that first because what just happened to me hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm in one of Starbucks' many locations in the Southern California area, and a mother and her children walked in. The mother was pretty in a delicate sort of way, and her children were cute, too. I could see her features on her daughter face. Her camel-colored daughter had not, however, inherited her blonde hair. And in the instant I thought it, my heart sank in my chest in a way reserved for happy couples.

Before we go further, this isn't a racial issue, per se. Even though the bling on mommy's finger almost blinded me -- literally -- that's not what hurts. What I want to understand is why no chocolate-colored man ever wanted to put a ring on it when it came to me.

There are times when I don't care that I'm one of several melanin-rich women that haven't been selected in the game of life. The consolation we have is that we're not alone in being picked last. But can I just say that I am tired of being passed over -- for whatever reason. I'm too fat. I'm too dark. I'm too outspoken. It's not a good feeling at all.

So when I see women who don't look like me with kids that could be in my family, it can be a bit disheartening. And understand -- I don't begrudge her for her life or her love. I honestly am happy for any woman who can survive coupledom long enough to reproduce.

But when will it be my turn? I'm no longer in the "young and sexy" category. I'm now "a woman of a certain age." And I don't mind it at all. If I had the choice, I don't think I'd ever go backwards -- unless I could take all the life lessons with me. No...what bugs me is that I feel like time is slipping by me faster than I care to acknowledge.

A 45-year-old woman can still get married. If she starts soon enough after the wedding, she may still be able to have kids. And then there's me.

(SN: This is me whining and being overly dramatic. I realize that. Please humor me.)

I do wonder who could possibly want me. I also wonder if there are men on my level who'd be willing to take me on and love me. 

Okay...that's enough wallowing -- even for me. Back to your scheduled programming...

Monday, November 2, 2015

Do You Know?

I had a conversation with one of my best friends, and we were discussing her breakup with her husband. Not to go into any details, but it was particularly devastating for her. When it happened, I was living in New York City, and I brought her up for a weekend to get away. We hung out, laughed, joked, partied, got her a new hairdo...the works. She always told me that it was helpful for her. Honestly, I was doing what I thought a friend should do. But I have to tell you -- I had no clue what she was actually going through. I couldn't comprehend the depth of the pain she was experiencing.

Now I do.

After the New Boo debacle -- combined with TMFKATO -- I don't know how people survive that stuff multiple times. I don't know if I could walk upright if I went through this more than once or twice. I see people falling in and out of love all the time. I don't know how they do it.

But can I say that as much as this has hurt, I'm glad to have experienced it. No matter how ugly it is today, I know I was loved at one point. And I loved someone. I gave my heart, and it was a good thing. It didn't stay that way, but it was good when it was. So I have that experience to draw on now. And even the pain is meaningful because now I know what it's like to hurt and I can be more compassionate when faced with it again.

As for me, I'm getting there. I still shed tears. I still miss what those guys represented -- the stability of love and family. But I know that if God let me see it, He's got to be preparing me for it. That's what I really want to believe. Even my current nanny-type situation is getting me ready for something.

The real point of this is that you never know exactly how people are affected by their circumstances. They may walk upright, smile, and laugh, but you really don't know how many deaths they're actually dying in the run of a day. You really don't. That's why we all have to remember what it's like to be in certain situations and cut people some slack.

Because honestly, you really don't know. You just don't.

Friday, October 30, 2015

I was loved.

I was thinking about my life this time last year. I was reflecting on how so much could change in 365 days.

My heart was safe. I thought I was participating in the definitive relationship of my life. I can see the stars that were sparkling in my eyes, and I loved it.

People probably thought I was crazy. After all, who invests their everything in Macy's salesperson? That would be me. He made me feel like I could fly.

I was loved.

Today I'm in California keeping my friend's son. He's looking at me as my eyes well up with tears. I can't explain it to him, and fortunately, he's not a perceptive enough child to care that I'm broken. All he knows is that I'm going to take him to daycare.

I was loved.

I promise you that I won't wallow today. Inasmuch as I want to, I won't. I honestly don't have the time or the energy to devote to mourning my wasted affection again. Instead, I will do my best to celebrate the fact that no matter what, there was a time in my life that I was looked at with loving eyes...touched with gentle hands...held with strong arms.

Today is a new day. I am still loved. Just not by him. And while I hate that more than I can express, I accept it. It's not my fault. I did all I could do to sustain the love I felt...that I still feel...that I may never stop feeling.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

I Own My Tears

I own my tears.

I used this as a hashtag on a Facebook post. I was talking about the movie, "The Fault in Our Stars." If you've seen it, you know what I mean, and I won't spoil it for you.

Of course, you know me -- it's deeper than that. I need to say it out loud...

I own my tears.

New Boo meant the world to me. He really did. Our relationship meant the world to me. It really, really did. And now it's over and he's gone -- seemingly for good. That makes me cry more than I want to, and more than I have ever imagined I would. And while I hate it, I need to do this. I need to mourn this thing in its entirety because it has truly changed my life.

I own my tears.

I own the fact that I am hurt. I own the fact that I'm mourning a relationship that I wanted to work more than life itself. I wanted to be a part of a couple, and eventually a family. That may well happen for me one day. Today, though, it doesn't look likely. So yes, I cry. And you know what?

I own my tears.

I heard once that grief is the price you pay for love. And I loved him. I still do. Therefore, I get to feel however I want to feel. I get to cry as much as I want, for as long as I want, and I get to do it until I get tired.

I own my tears.

Friday, October 9, 2015


It finally dawned on me why I've taken this breakup so hard.

I got dumped.

This is the one of the first times in my romantic history that someone has said to me, "Yeah...I'm done with you." And to be clear, there have been times when relationships have run their course. But this is the first time I've been blindsided by a situation that I thought was good.

I got dumped.

I'm guessing this is what the guys I've left behind feel. When they think they've done their best...and I don't agree...and I put plans in motion to get out, they, too, feel blindsided. But this time...

I got dumped.

I've had several relationships end. All of them, actually. And I didn't want all of them to end. Who wants to be single? Certainly not me. But when they got bad, I got out. Because even though I don't want to be single, I'd rather be single than be in a bad relationship. Maybe I wasn't in a bad relationship, but he was. Rather than tell me, he just bailed on me. Which only means one thing.

I got dumped.

Now that I realize what happened to me, I have to figure out how to move on. How to not internalize the pain and rejection and move on to a place of hope and healing. I have to understand that being dumped isn't the end of the world -- even if it did the world as I knew it at the time. I have to accept the fact that my love didn't measure up to what he wanted or could handle.

I got dumped. But it's not the end of my story...

Keeping the Music Playing...

"How do you keep the music playing..."

I can honestly admit that watching last night's edition of Scandal jacked me up. When she pulled out the James Ingram-Patti Austin hit, I completely dissolved in a river of tears. Especially when Mellie asked him, "What have you ever sacrificed for me?"

One of the last discussions I had with New Boo involved me asking him to fight for us. He told me that his depression and fear had basically destroyed his love for me. I told him that I was scared, too, but I fought my fears for the sake of our relationship. I pushed down my doubts because I loved him so much. I basically battled myself for the sake of US, and I couldn't understand why he didn't give me that much consideration.

I think when breakups happen, it's not the fights you have about the symptoms of the sickness. It's the lack of fight you have with the ultimate killers of your love that make it ugly. When you realize the person you've put everything aside for can't or won't do it for you, it's soul-crushing.

As sad as all of that is, moving on from it is mandatory.

And while things look dark at first, the beauty of it is that music WILL play again. It has to.