Tuesday, November 25, 2014

One of the Many Things I'm Thankful For...

I have the best boyfriend in the world -- bar none. He is so awesome and I love him so much. I know it hasn't been a long time, but I can honestly look at this man and see my future. And it looks extremely bright.

The thing that makes New Boo so unique is our friendship. It's genuine on both sides. I never feel like I'm forcing anything with him because we are just so natural together. That makes me extremely happy. And the way he treats me is insane. In all my history of dating, I've never had a man treat me as much like a princess as this man does. And it's not like he's doing it to impress me. He does it because that's his nature. That's what makes it so wonderful to me.

I love how he keeps his mind fresh by constantly learning and teaching himself new things. He watches documentaries. He researches any and everything around the sun. He doesn't work out at a gym, but he keeps himself in shape by walking.

Is he perfect? Absolutely not. And as quiet as it's kept, I'm not, either. But what's beautiful about it is that we are perfect for each other. For that, I'm thankful.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Surprise! My People Love Me...

I absolutely have the best boyfriend and friends in the world. Last night, they got together to throw me a surprise birthday party. My birthday is next weekend, but I'll be home celebrating with my mom -- with whom I share a birthday. Normally my friends and I celebrate when I get back, but this time my homegirl -- the event planner extraordinaire -- will be throwing a paid party. So she told me she'd cook dinner for me and my boyfriend. When I left my house, I thought it was just going to be me, New Boo, my homie and one other friend. Imagine my surprise when everyone was there.

But let me back up and say that it blessed me even more that New Boo was there. He had to work, so I thought he'd be meeting me at my friend's house. But he came home first. It touched me that he'd realize how much this meant to me and actually come through for me. When he got here, I was on the verge of tears. Why? Because disappointment I'm used to. Disappointment I can handle. When people do what they say they're going to do, I don't always know how to handle it. And even though I'm extremely open with him, I didn't want him to see that.

So I was already emotional when we got to my friend's house. And when I saw all my friends gathered there, I literally almost burst into tears. My friend, a practical, no-nonsense person who knows me extremely well, said, "You betta not cry." So I had to go in the bathroom to pull myself together.

The party was great, and it was so good to formally introduce New Boo to my friends. He was a perfect gentleman and I appreciated how cool he was with everyone. At the end of the night, we came home and all was well. Even though we had planned to have some extra fun at home, we were both tired and we just fell out.

New Boo had to go to work this morning. As he was leaving, I reached up to give him a hug. He did the splits to get to my level, and I thanked him for last night. He said, "You deserve it."

You can't beat that with a stick.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Love Is and Other Thoughts of Mine...

The bible says that love is patient and kind. I completely believe that. But it's also messy and ugly and painful -- especially when it comes to families.

This evening, I got a chance to witness my brother completely taking our mom to task for her shortcomings. I won't go into the details -- they're not important unless you were there -- but basically he told her that he's tired of her not stepping up to the plate and being the mother and grandmother we all deserve.

I wish I could say that he lied, but he didn't. My mother is one of the most immature adults I know. In addition, she has NEVER fought for us. She left that to our grandmothers. Granny always fought for me, and Nanny (my brother's father's mother) fought for him. Now both of those wonderful ladies are gone, and we are left alone. I was 37 when Granny died, so I was pretty well established. But my brother is 10 years younger than me, so he needed more. In normal families, our mother would've been able to be there for us. But that's not the case, and my brother is fed up.

I completely agree with my brother -- our mother needs to get it together. Some of the things he told her are things I warned her about years ago. But she didn't listen, and now the chickens have come home to roost.

This situation hurts me. Not because it involves me. And that hurts me more. My role in this family has always been as distant peacemaker. I'm not an active participant in anything. As I write this, I realize that I've checked out over the years. Whether it was going to school, going to work, or moving away, I've been able to keep myself above the fray by leaving. That's not good, either. And both of them have dumped their madness on me, and I've taken it upon myself to try to keep the peace.

***

New Boo got to witness all this. Since my brother was so gracious as to let me witness it via three-way, I shared tidbits with New Boo via text. I don't know if I should've done that, but I want him to see who I am -- the good AND the bad. I want him to understand that I don't mean to be self-centered, and I'm trying to be present in all we do, but it's not necessarily in my history. I want him to see my crazy. 

I should probably stop here and update you -- New Boo and I are in the process of combining our households. He doesn't have all of his stuff here yet, but it's coming. And I told him that we won't be able to live together indefinitely without a ring. He knows that I want to be someone's wife and mother, so we're working toward that. That's why it's important to me for him to get a good look at who I am. I don't want to spring stuff on him at the last minute.

He got off work early today, and he came here. It made me smile to know that he chose to be here when he could've gone anywhere else.

If it sounds like I'm rambling, I am. It's just that my brain is all over the place. Ugh.

Thank you for listening.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

What We Do...

I love him so much. I wish there was a way for me to tattoo that fact on his brain. I think he knows it fundamentally, but his poor heart has been so battered and bruised that it's hard for him to believe it. And that makes it hard for me.

He questions me. He analyzes every jot and tittle. If I edit myself in the middle of a sentence, he's trying to figure out what I didn't say. He looks at my facial expressions and my movements and tries to understand exactly what is going on with me.

I've never been in this type of situation. Ever. No one's ever looked at me and thought that I was the girl good enough or wanted enough to be deceitful. Now he's watching my every move and it's strange...extremely strange.

Honestly, I'm finding it daunting to be under such scrutiny. But I love him so much that I answer all his questions. I give explanations for everything. I do everything in my power to make sure that he realizes how much he means to me.

There are breakthroughs. He gets that I love him. But I need him to rest in that knowledge. Because as much as I love him, I am a human. One who doesn't like to be accused all the time. If my love wasn't strong, he'd push me away.

But I am strong. And my love for him is strong. So I stand here, loving him, willing him to believe me and trust me. This is what we're doing right now. And I will do it as long as it takes to make sure he understands how much I love him. Because I do.

Friday, October 10, 2014

The Silver Lining Appears

Excitement is too weak to describe what I'm feeling right now. It's Friday, and I have an apartment to call my own. I don't move in until the 15th, but there is now a space in this city that I can call my very own. And to let you know how good God REALLY is, it's a one-bedroom apartment in a private house, the rent is well within the budget, and it's in a good location. In addition, the lady who told me about the place lives next door -- which means I'll have a really sweet neighbor.

What REALLY makes me happy is that I'll be able to spend comfortable time with New Boo. In private. With no one else around. When he comes over, he won't have to speak to anyone but me. And that thrills me more than I can articulate.

Oh, and we worked through that situation. I think we'll be stronger than ever now. It's almost like we're unstoppable now.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Perfect Love in Imperfection

What does true love look like? It looks like your man sleeping on the floor of your rented room because he's been in your craptastic bed all night & he needs to stretch out because he just can't take it anymore. But he's there because he wants to be with you that badly. 

How could you possibly screw that up? By being the stupidest woman in the world. 

I should've known better, but I never thought the dude I gave my number to on a whim -- after I made it clear that I had a man that I loved with all my heart -- would try to make a power play and call me at midnight on a Saturday night. But he did, and then I had to answer questions about a situation that doesn't exist and explain the unexplainable to someone who's been hurt by people who were supposed to love him.

I'm so upset I don't know what to do. The LAST thing I ever want to do is hurt my baby. And that's what I've done. Now he's doubting me and all I stand for. And I can't blame him for that. I also don't know how to fix it. 

So have I screwed up the love of my life beyond repair? Only time will tell. But for now, my heart is sleeping on the floor of my rented room. Because he loves me. 

Thursday, October 2, 2014

In Defense of Bad Credit

I have bad credit. I'm not saying this because I'm proud of it. I'm saying it because it's true.

When I was in college, I got a bunch of credit cards with no way to pay the bills. Then as an adult, I went through periods of being both underemployed and unemployed. When I got jobs, I had to focus on the basics of food and shelter -- not catching up bills. And now I have a credit score that is in the toilet.

Again...not a thing I'm proud of at all.

But I mention this because I think it's ridiculous for apartment companies to judge me on my credit score. Here's why -- if I'm not able to pay a single bill, I make sure to keep a roof over my head. That means that I pay rent. If I'm RENTING from you, what does it matter what I do for everyone else? When random people look at my credit score, it doesn't show that the bills were paid perfectly and on-time until the job decided to lay you off.

I just needed to get that off my chest. Carry on...