Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The Next Chapter...

There are no words to describe how I feel right now. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because God has seen fit to bless me with someone who makes me laugh, cry, think, and feel like I'm on top of the world.

This man hasn't said he loves me in words, but his every action screams it. He makes me a priority in his life, and he's concerned about the things that are important to me. His gentle demeanor calms me down and his arms soothe my soul.

Our relationship is new, but he's already made up his mind that I'm the girl he wants to be with. The conversations we've had -- both in person and via text -- say that he cares deeply for me and wants to do right by me because I bring joy to his life.

And here's the deal -- I never saw him coming. Now I can't imagine my life without him. I see him every day, and sometimes even that's not enough. We both realize that we need to be closer because we enjoy each other so much.

I don't know what's going to happen with us. What I do know is that he's an awesome guy that I could have missed. I guess it's true that you have to let good things go to let better things fall together.

Monday, August 4, 2014

It's Over...

So I did it. I broke up with The One. And now I'm sad.

I'm not sad because we broke up. That had to happen. He didn't respect the relationship or me anymore, so it was time for him to go. But that doesn't mean that I'm not mourning the death of our relationship. It doesn't mean that I don't love him. It doesn't mean that I'm not worried about him. It just means that I can't be attached to him as he spirals out of control to self-destruction.

I wish I could rewind the last three months...back to when we were good. When he loved me and wanted our relationship to work. I wish I could take all the love I have for him and infuse into his pores so that he would do what needed to be done for us to be together.

That's the real issue. My love wasn't enough to make him want to do and be better for us. At the end of the day, that's what I wish I could change. That's what hurts me to my core.

I know that when the story of our love is retold by him, I'll be that bitch. I already know that. And honestly, it hurts because that's not who I am or what this was. This was a love affair that was murdered by indifference and abandonment.

I know I'll get over this. I always do. But I'm not gonna lie...it's gonna be hard.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Forever Isn't as Long as it Used to Be...

For all that big talk I was doing, I realize that I'm hurt about The One. I really thought he cared. I believed him when he said he'd love me forever. Clearly, forever isn't as long as it used to be.

And while I'm crushed today, I know I'll get past this. There will be love for me because I deserve it. But I'll know some things for next time. For instance, I won't be so quick to believe the pretty words. I'll test them out to make sure that they're real before I let myself get caught up.

Next time, I won't stick my neck on the line for someone who's not willing or able to make the same kind of sacrifices for me. I won't go to the nth degree until I can see some sort of return on my investment.

Next time, I promise you I won't let myself fall for someone who doesn't live close enough to touch at least once a week. I see now how important it is to have that contact with your love.

Next time, I'll protect my heart a little better. I won't let it go out there alone no matter what happens. I'll guard it a little more carefully.

Next time, I won't ignore the signs and I'll get out when I see foolishness on the horizon.

And while I'm so wounded right now I can't even see myself wanting a next time, I know they'll be a next time. And I'll be more careful then.

But then again, how can you be careful and still be in love? The whole point of love and loving is giving your all in hopes of having it returned to you.

I really don't know anything anymore.  Ugh.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

"Touch Me in the Morning..."

I don't know what happened, but somewhere between the "screw you, bitch" and him responding negatively to my question, "Do you know what you're apologizing for," my love died. Not a screaming, crying, whimpering death. More of a quiet, "you know what you have to do" type death. The kind that comes after the pain has settled in and made a home in your heart.

The way I see it, there's a window after a major infraction where you can make things right. You can say, "Baby, I didn't mean what I said. I was drunk/high/frustrated with my life/etc. and took it out on you, and I was wrong. Please forgive me." At that point, even if you make someone suffer a few more minutes/hours/etc., you know that you'll be able to move on from the situation none the worse for wear.

And then there's what my foolish-ass boyfriend did.

After saying, "Screw you, bitch," and hanging up, he didn't even try to call back. When he did -- a few HOURS later -- he tried to act like nothing had happened. In fact, it wasn't until I had gone a day without speaking to him that he even tried to acknowledge that something had shifted. The voicemail message said, "I got nothing. Call me when you want to talk."





Seriously? That's all you got, sir? I was completely done. Then, half an hour later, I get this...


Uh, do you HONESTLY think that a "I love you" is a "Get Out of Jail Free" card? That's what it feels like to me at this point. And you KNOW I'm not having it.

And furthermore, you'll see that I didn't acknowledge the "screw you" part. Honestly, that's because it took me a few more days to process that. It's almost like your mind can't handle too much trauma at once, so it shields you from it until you're strong enough.

When it finally came together in my head a few days later, I just had to marvel at the blatantness of what went on here. So...you're just gonna cuss me out, hang up on me, and expect everything to be hunky AND dory. I'm not supposed to feel anything in light of what you said. And your "love" is supposed to be the salve that makes it right? HA! In the immortal words of that great southern philosopher named Beyoncé, "You must not know 'bout me."

Stay tuned...

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Hmm...What Just Happened Here?

Relationships aren't easy. Anyone who says otherwise is a damn liar. Then again, maybe they can be and I'm just in the wrong one.

What started off as a regular conversation spiraled into a "screw you, bitch" before I could catch it. The killer part? He hung up on me in the process.

Here's where I should mention that I love him. I really do. That's why when I get mad at him, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. I try not to jump to the worst possible conclusion. Does that make me some kind of saint? Absolutely not. In fact, at this point, I feel like some kind of idiot.

Be all that as it may, I will take a lot of ish from the one I love. But I find hanging up on a person to be one of the most disrespectful things you can do. It's like you don't even deem the other person's response to whatever you've said worthy of your attention. It's the one thing that's (almost) unforgivable.

So now I'm facing a crossroad. Should I go off or should I be calm as usual? I don't really know what to do because I've never been in this situation with someone I actually loved. Usually I just write them off, no problem. But the game changes when real love is involved. Now it's a matter of figuring out if it's worth it to fight this out, or if I should just let it slide and pretend like I'm past it when he asks.

Of course, all of this is contingent on him calling. For a change, I'm not going to be the bigger person. I'm going to let him clear this one up. And if he doesn't, that'll let me know exactly where I stand with him.

And let's be real honest here -- the ONLY reason he's gotten away with the stuff he has in the past is that we're embroiled in a long-distance relationship. If we were in the same vicinity all the time, I'm sure we would've yelled this out a looooog time ago.

All of which brings me back to my original thought -- relationships aren't easy. Almost makes you wonder why we bother. But I know why. Love is the one thing that's worth pursuing and cultivating above all. Even in my state of borderline bitterness, I know that.


Thursday, May 29, 2014

My Tribute to Mother Maya

There was an eighth grader in the backwoods of East Texas who thought she was destined to stay there until her English teacher introduced her to I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. She read that book and realized that the author was from Stamps, Arkansas -- a town that was right down the street from her. At that point, she knew that it was possible for people from the country to do great things.

That girl grew up to become a woman who's lived almost all of her dreams. And although she never laid eyes on that author, she DID get a chance to tell her how her work affected her life. The author was gracious when she didn't have to be, and taught that girl another lesson in how to handle praise.


As the tributes pour in for Dr. Maya Angelou, I hope that she passed away knowing that her life made a difference. Especially to me. RIP to one of my first heroes. Our world is a better place because she was in it.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

That Man...

He speaks to me from quiet corners.
Whispering words that soothe my soul
And melt my heart.

His touch calms the storm
Swirling constantly in my head.
Makes my world a little less chaotic.

His kiss reaches my innermost being
Makes me dream of caramel-colored babies
Who bring softness and wonder.

His presence in my life ignites
Desires thought to be out of reach
For the girl who reached a certain age

And he wants to make me
His former girlfriend
Whom he marries

To that, I say yes…