Monday, April 7, 2014

I'm in Love...

I've finally fallen in love with the man of my dreams. He is beautiful and sweet and lovable and strong. He's a writer, like me, which means that he's expressive and intelligent. That's enough to make me melt.

But to say he's perfect would be a lie before God and all His angels. He's moody, aloof, and somewhat surly. His temperament isn't light like mine, but brooding. I can tell that he spends a lot of time in his head.

For some reason, we are compatible. He hears and understand me. And I understand him. We work together on the places that are vague for us.

I'm learning a lot about love from this man. And it's not like anything I've ever experienced before.

For one, I'm learning that it doesn't take all the frills to love someone. Sometimes it can be downright messy and dirty and smelly. And yet, it's still the best feeling ever.

I'm so happy.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Welcome to Me

I am strong
My heart is tender
You are hurtful

There are times when I need someone
To listen to me
When the foolishness of this world becomes
Too much for me to handle

I need you to understand
That I'm not always logical
Or practical.
I'm just me.

sometimes i feel small and insignificant
like no one cares for me
that my needs are an afterthought 

Your purpose in my life
Is to help me see in those moments
That I'm not alone.
That I'm not stupid.
That I'm not crazy.

I wish my inner being was as strong
As my outer shell.
But it's not.

A good relationship should allow for both your strength 
And your weakness
To occupy the same space with the same love for both.

Admire my strength.
Embrace my weakness.
Love me through it all.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Making Room

If love is a house
We’re responsible for furnishing it.
We put our careers, family, and friends
In well-arranged configurations
So we’ll be comfortable.
And we can live this way for a long time.

Until the day we meet the one who
Makes our hearts leap within us.
The one who sings the song
We were meant to sing

That’s when we have to rearrange things
In our perfect house.
Because it’s necessary to make room
Not only for those we love
But for those who love us.

That’s where I am.
I’m making room for you.

Because I love you.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

I am Not Perfect

I’m not perfect.

Sometimes I talk too much.
I don’t hold my liquor well.
I can be rude.
I fall asleep at inappropriate times.

I’m not perfect.

Sometimes I miss notes.
I run out of air on long phrases.
I even forget the words
To my favorite songs

I am not perfect.

But the love I have for you
Transcends my flaws and shortcomings
It’s more than just kisses and body hugs
I want it to be your shelter in the rain
What you come home to after a long day

I am not perfect.

But I have a perfect love for you.
It may not play out as awesome as I want it to…
But it’s here. And I offer it to you freely.

I am not perfect. And I love you. The end.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

If you know me well, you know that it takes a long time for me to get through with a thing. And I do mean anything. Even candy. The reason is that I don't like to chew hard candy is that I don't want it on my teeth. Therefore, I basically hold it in my mouth until it dissolves. I know it sounds a little strange, but I've always done it. (By the way, I've never had a cavity, so my method isn't all bad.) But I digress...

I said all that to say this -- I am too through with my uncle. He recently passed away, and my mom, my other uncle, my cousin, and I went to pay our respects. While I recognize that his children and his wife haven't been especially close with all of us, I was completely unprepared for what I learned at the funeral. Apparently my uncle had created a world where he was the lone hero, and family that raised him was just plain evil. His son even went to far as to say that his father didn't grow up in a Christian household.

When he said that, my mouth dropped and the look of shock on my face probably said more than I could ever say. It was at that point that I realized that the distance between us and his family was more wide-reaching that geography could define. It also brought clarity to the fact that they've always disregarded us and acted like we were, well, heathens who didn't deserve to be around them. What was really painful to me was that it exposed the lies that my uncle had taught to his wife and his kids.

That's why his wife told my grandmother that her husband, "didn't have a family." My grandmother lit her up for that comment, but in retrospect, HE never said a word in his mother's defense. All those years, we thought his wife just didn't like us.

I actually confronted her about it. I asked her, point blank, what was REALLY going on. I wanted to understand why she felt like it was okay to be nasty with people that she barely knew. As she tried to defend herself, I hit her with, "Well, the bible says...," and she cut me off with, "Don't you bring the bible into this because you are far from the bible!"

It also explains a comment one of my cousins made. When his wife asked him why we didn't keep in better contact with us, he told her, "Daddy's family is difficult." I said, "We're not difficult. You just don't know us."

With my uncle's death comes the realization that he had absolutely no regard for his family of origin. At all. He didn't talk about us to them, and he actually taught them not to love us. To me, the killer of all this is that he was a preacher. How do you preach the word of God with that much unforgiveness in your heart?

As far as his wife is concerned, I don't really know how to think about her now. In retrospect, she was reacting to what her husband had told her. However, that doesn't excuse her blatant nastiness all these years. And the fact that they taught their children to basically hate us is inexcusable.

I guess the thing that bothers me the most is how awful this situation must be for my favorite uncle and my mother. As much as it hurt me to hear the lies about my grandmother, I can't begin to imagine how it felt for them to hear lies about their mother.

Honestly, I've turned this thing over and over in my head. On one hand, I think the whole situation needs to be explained and exposed. However, the only person who can really do that is dead. And on the other hand, I wonder if there's any point. After all, my cousins are all well into their 40s and 50s. What good would it do for them to know the truth about their dead father? Would help or hurt them to know that he lied to them about his mother and siblings? The last thing I want to do is add more grief on top of what they're already experiencing.

That's why I've decided that I'm through. I'm washing my hands of this entire situation. If someone ever asks me, I'll tell it. Otherwise, I'm just going to let them go along believing the lies that they were spoon-fed from childhood.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Just One of Dem Days....

Have you ever had one of those days? I had one today that honestly has me questioning myself. Let me explain...

I recently lost my job. Even though it wasn't the career-making position I needed, it still contributed to my never-ending goal of paying the bills. And so I'm on the hunt for the next big thing yet again. (***sigh***)

On the strength of a good friend's recommendation, I had an interview with well-known former athlete to produce a daily podcast. While I wasn't sure what that would mean, I decided to go in with my game face on.

The insanity started the moment I entered the studio. With the table and all the stools being extremely tall, it was clear to me that the room had been designed with the former athlete in mind. Athletic Boy, in an attempt to appear gentlemanly, tried to adjust the stool to my lower elevation. When he realized that it wouldn't go as low as I'd need it, he stopped and gave me that, "Oh well, I tried," look. I said to him, "Dude, it's okay. I've been this height for a long time, and I know how to handle it." I could tell that he was taken aback at first, but then he laughed. I thought this was a good sign. The next thing out of his mouth was, "You know, my high school girlfriend had a gap like yours. It either makes you a good lover or a good liar." How was I supposed to respond to that? I decided to let it ride.

At that point, the business manager took over. He asked me to tell him about myself. I don't think name-dropping is the way to go, but I had to mention a few of the them. Then I told him about my gospel gig. What did I do that for? Athletic Boy chimed in with, "Oh, so y'all hide your sexuality." I said, "No, we just believe it's better within the confines of marriage."

It was downhill from there. While the Business Boy was asking the pertinent questions, Athletic Boy was being an ass. His next question: "Do you cuss?" I told that I did when the situation warranted it. Next was, "Well, do you say, 'I didn't mean it, Lord,' when you do?" I replied that Jesus knows what I'm going to do before I do. That really got his goat. He didn't think Jesus could know me because, in his words, "Jesus has been dead for over two-thousand years."

I was too through, but I didn't cave. AB then asked me if Moses knew me. I told him that he was asking questions of faith. He was like, "No. These are direct questions." I said yes, they are, and I believe that Moses -- and everyone else in Heaven -- knows me. Then he asked me something about his own father knowing me, and I told him that since his father wasn't God, I don't know. He then asked me if Moses was chilling with Tupac and Elvis. At that point, I'd had enough, and I said, "Well, Tupac is in the Bahamas, and I don't know what to tell you about Elvis."

The final questions that fool asked me was, "Why are you a Christian?" I told him that after seeing what I'd seen and doing what I'd done, that was the best option for me. I don't know if that was the answer he was looking for, but I thought it was a pretty good one.

When I finally got up outta there, I was cool, but extremely livid. I don't know if I'll hear from him. I don't know if I want to. But what I do know is that I'd love to be curled up in the arms of a loving, caring man right now. Instead, I'm here with you.

Oh well...NEXT!

Monday, February 25, 2013

An Open Letter to An Oscar Nominee

Dear Quvenzhané,

First of all, I want to congratulate you on your Oscar nomination. You've done something at the tender age of nine that some women three time your age or more will never get to do. No matter what else happens in your life, this historic moment is something to be cherished.

Sadly, not everyone is able to celebrate with you. As I'm sure you know -- or will be told in your future -- sometimes being in the spotlight subjects you to people who aren't very nice. They aren't able to be as wonderful as you are, and it makes them feel bad about themselves. Rather than working toward being good at something, they'd rather insult you and try to cut you down to their size. And because your skin is caramel-kissed in a world full of rosy-cheeked babies, you're going to be subjected to even more ugliness than you deserve.

If you're a typical child, you'll probably wonder why. Here's your answer: those of us who live in brown-skin are often berated and belittled by people who don't look like us because they don't understand us. You're probably thinking, "That doesn't make any sense." And you'd be completely right -- it doesn't.

So what can you do? Keep living, learning, growing, and shining. Don't dim your light because someone else can't stand the glare. Maybe they'll put on a pair of sunglasses and bask in your glory. If they can't, well, that's not your problem.

Here's to a wonderful life, lil' sis!

Love, MackDiva