Thursday, July 30, 2015

Reality...or Something Like It

I miss him and I hate him.

That's about the sum total of my feelings right now.

It's so sad to me that a love that was so vibrant and sweet could end up like this. The thing that makes it so awful to me is that I still have a lot of love for him. But he's purposed it in his heart that my love is to be avoided like the plague.

I wish I could turn it off...this love I have for him. It would make my life a lot less complicated. But I can't.

My brother was talking to us about his wife. She's upset because he doesn't tell her things like, "I miss you." The way he sees it, if he didn't miss her, he wouldn't come home. Furthermore, the fact that he married her supersedes all the other trivial things.

I want to pull my new sister-in-law to the side and tell her my story. How I bent over backwards trying to please a man who had no intention of being with me forever. I want to share with her how many woman do everything in their power to get a man to do what my brother's doing for her to no avail. I want her to understand how hard it is in these streets and how words don't mean half as much as actions.

Right now, New Boo's actions are saying very clearly that he has no interest in me or anything concerning me. That's painful. But it's my new reality.

I want to keep it from becoming my sister-in-law's.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Blocked!

There will come a day when I won't be surprised by the shenanigans of New Boo.

Today is not that day.

I found out that he's back on Facebook with a new name. But when I searched it, nothing comes up for me. The only conclusion I can draw is that he's blocked me.

Why?

I didn't wrong him. HE wronged me, but I get blocked. 

I'm sure he's doing me a favor. After all, do I really need to cyberstalk him and find out what he's doing now that we're not together?

Probably not. But I want to. Don't judge me because I KNOW I'm not the only one.

But this lets me know that he has no interest in me being in any part of his life.

Moving on...

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Lonesome...

I don't like being alone

I was doing pretty good, and then I ran across an article talking about how loneliness is detrimental to your health. I completely agree. That was one of the things I was so looking forward to with New Boo -- not being alone. Now that I'm back at square one again, it's not easy to negotiate.

And while I'm definitely firmly ensconced in the thought that I'm dodging a bullet by getting away from him, there are still things that come up for me. Like how much I loved his representative.

After the way our relationship played out, I'm completely convinced that I was dating someone else. The person I was dating was his best incarnation of himself, the person he wanted to be. That would've been great except for one thing -- you can't keep up a fake persona in a real relationship. And by the time he released his true self, I was so deluded by the pseudo-him that I couldn't take it.

I was thinking today how I would've taken him if he'd been completely honest with me upfront. If he'd actually told me that he had four kids and two baby mamas, he was an alcoholic, or on drugs, would I have allowed myself to fall in love with him? Probably not. And he knew that. So he created this awesome man who I would've gone to the ends of the earth for. At the end of the day, the pressure to maintain the situation he created became too much for him.

Like I said...I realize I got out in time. I know that I'll get over this and do great and wonderful things in the future. But right now, I'm lonely.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

For Adra...

I learned the importance of having friends from my mother. My mother was the youngest of five children, and her sister was 11 years older than her. Therefore, it was necessary for Mom to have girlfriends that functioned like sisters. My mom would spend hours talking and laughing with them, and I knew that having friends like that was something to look forward to in adulthood.

My mom had several friends like that. I always enjoyed going to see the ladies that had kids because I could have fun, too. But when there weren't children involved, I wasn't enthused to go. But there was one I always liked.

I loved Adra because she was on the radio. Even though she had a son that was older than me who had no time for me, I still enjoyed going to her house because she had personality. She knew how to make even the youngest guest feel welcome.

Fast forward to now. The spunky young women they were now live behind gray hair and dimming eyes. Now that I'm grown, I get a chance to stay in the room. They address me with wonder because I've become the women they used to be.

I loved talking to Adra because even though she didn't raise me, she understood me in a way my mom didn't. I think it had to do with her being an objective and impartial bystander who knew where I came from and what I was going through -- not only as a woman, but as a Christian and a radio girl. She was fascinated by my talents and encouraged me to reach higher.

More than anything, I loved the fact that Adra was my mother's friend. My mom isn't outgoing like me, so she's not the social butterfly that I am. She also has a tendency to say exactly what's on her mind, which doesn't always bode well with others. I loved the fact that Adra knew my mother well enough to understand and love her. She'd also check Mom when she needed -- something I LOVED about her.

Adra had lived a typical radio life, and her body rewarded her with diabetes, heart problems, and a plethora of other ailments. Yet she still managed to smile throughout it all. Sadly, she lost her final battle and now she's resting in the arms of Jesus. I'll miss her.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

I Miss Him -- Not New Boo

I just realized that I miss The Man Formerly Known As The One.

With all the drama and hype of the New Boo breakup, my feelings about TMFKATO have kind of gotten lost in the sauce. I rarely think of the man who restored my hope in love the first time. He was the one who opened up my heart just enough for New Boo to slip in.

If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that part of the pain of losing New Boo is tied up in losing TMFKATO, too. I never really gave myself enough space to really mourn the loss of our relationship and his untimely death. As I looked at his sister's Facebook page, I thought about how much I loved him at one time, and it hit me.

I miss him.

He was moody, surly, aloof, bitter, and a lot of other things, but he loved me. He wanted to be my husband and give me babies and grow old with me. Unfortunately, he couldn't find his way out of the bottle long enough to be the man I needed him to be.

I find our love story to be quite tragic. Inasmuch as I wanted New Boo and I to stay together, I think I harbored the need for some kind of reunion with TMFKATO at some point in our lives. But since he died, that'll never be.

And I miss him.

He had a wicked sense of humor and he always knew how to make me laugh. He was a sweetheart when he wanted to be, and a lowlife when he didn't.

More than anything, he encouraged me in everything I wanted to do. He could see greatness in me, and he wanted to see me go beyond my limits. I just wish the bottle could've loosened its grip on him so he could achieve his own greatness.

(SN: This is when you know you've cried too much. Your body won't even heave when you cry anymore.)

I know love will come for me again. After what I've been through with both of those guys, I have to believe there's something better on the way.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Vain Wishing...

I had the opportunity to meet with a woman who's a dating expert. When I told her about the situation with New Boo and I, she told me that I needed to take all of his pictures out of my phone.

I think she might be right.

Every time I see an image of him, I get sad all over again. If he's smiling, I wonder when everything went wrong. In the pictures I have of him when he's not posing, I wonder what's going through his mind. Basically, each photo makes me relive the moment and I don't need that right now.

Heck, I'm reliving the moments without the images anyway.

And I'm wondering...how do people do it? How do they make the love last?

What I wouldn't give to know.

What I wouldn't give to be able to go into those pictures and ask the hard questions myself.

Honestly, I'd like to ask him those questions now. But it's water under the bridge and as Granny would say, a vain wish.

Wallowing

When I told my mom about breaking up with New Boo, she told me that I'd probably be over this thing in two weeks -- IF I didn't wallow.

I think I might be wallowing.

There are days that start off okay. I get out of bed and I don't think about the fact that I'm lonely. But inevitably, something will remind me of my single status and I'll start crying all over again.

Today, it was takeout food and cooking shows.

Since he's been gone, I really haven't felt like cooking. I got used to preparing food for both of us. But now that it's just me, I don't always feel like going through the trouble. So I order takeout. And it makes me sad because I live in the hood, which means that healthy food won't come knocking at the door. After a lunch of bad Chinese, I was sad. Add to that an afternoon of Food Network programming, and I'm in tears.

I spent the last two nights at work so I wouldn't be here alone. But I don't want to go out again. I just want to be here and rest and do laundry and live.

And I will. I know I will. I'm actually determined to spend a whole day here -- even though it's hot.

I'll also try to cook. For me. Might as well.

Straight up, I don't want to wallow. New Boo isn't worth it.