Saturday, September 27, 2014

What Gives...

No matter how perfect a relationship starts, there will be bumps in the road. The test of what you really have is how you take them. Right now, I'm not taking this bump particularly well.

Here's the deal. I'm living with the craziest roommate in the world. This chick keeps freakin' tools in the freezer. Don't believe me? I wouldn't believe me, either, but I have proof.



New Boo lives a block away from one of the nicest areas I've seen in Brooklyn. And his whole block isn't bad. But the half of the block where he lives is horrid, and his building is the worst of them all. And that's in addition to it being a fourth-floor walkup and him having a roommate.

Needless to say, neither one of us likes our living situation. And because we don't live alone, the thought of us being together while either one of our roommates is home just isn't pleasant. And I get that. But today was the first time ever that we were off at the same time, and I was looking forward to being with him. But his roommate just got back from a three-week vacay, and my crazy roommate is here with company. So there's nowhere for us to go.

I probably wouldn't be so upset, but I'm a woman of a certain age...and I don't feel like I need to live like this. He's not too far from my age, so he doesn't need to live like this either. And while we could've gotten a hotel room -- a nice one because I have a premium hookup -- we both know that spending money on stuff like that while trying to save money for an apartment isn't wise.

That's why I'm going out alone tonight. I have two parties to hit, and while I really don't want to go alone, I think it might be good for me because I've been focusing my whole life on him. Tonight and tomorrow, I'm doing me. If he wants to be a part of it, he'll let me know. Until then, watch out, world...MackDiva is on the loose!

And please know this...I still love New Boo with all my heart and soul. If anyone asks, I am in love madly and truly. But I don't like being alone...at all.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Could It Really Be...

Today is another crappy day. If it's darkest before the dawn, then I'm due for a bright tomorrow.

Anyway, I'm really bugging out, and I reached out to New Boo. He could tell that all was not well in my world, and he asked me about it. When I told him that I was on the verge of screaming, he immediately went into Cheer Me Up mode. He said he wanted to see me later, and while I agreed, I told him straight out that I probably wouldn't be good company. You know what he said? "Good or bad company -- it doesn't matter. I just want you by my side."

I honestly almost broke down right there. For one, no one's ever said that to me. Ever. And for him to say it almost makes this thing bearable.

And here's where the comparison comes in. That Other Guy (can't really call him The One anymore) was always in such dire straits that there wasn't room for me to be anything other than his cheerleader. Also, he didn't know how to encourage me on any level, and he wasn't interested in trying to find out.

With TOG, I existed to make his world right. If anything was off-kilter with me, I was just supposed to figure it out. As usual, I was in a selfish, one-sided relationship where I was always giving and never getting anything out of it.

Meanwhile, New Boo (who'll soon have to get another name because he's so much more than that) is extending himself to me. It's like he sees me, and that's so new for me. I usually see people, but no one sees me. Ever. And this is a good feeling. I think what really gets me is that he sees me and STILL wants to be with me.

And you know what? Maybe he'll see me and not want to be with me. But it's nice to believe for a minute that it could be possible, right?

Sunday, September 7, 2014

I'm not a crybaby. Things aren't perfect, but that's no reason to cry about them...at least not all the time. Right now, though, I'm feeling very weepy.

I've been sick this week. I've been battling strep throat for the past two weeks, and it's hanging on like a champ. People who know me know that I'm not one to be sick, so this is REALLY taking a toll on me. And to add insult to injury, it's not just in my throat anymore. I found out that another manifestation of the strep bacteria causes your skin to peel. Hence the reason my hands look like I'm some kind of leper. Which wouldn't bother me, but I'm a people person...and someone who deals with the public. Can you IMAGINE how embarrassing this is?

And on another note, I found out that a good friend of mine has been spilling secrets on me. How did I find that out? Well, New Boo's roommate and this friend are close -- MUCH closer than I thought. Close to the point that the things I've shared with her about New Boo have been re-shared with his roommate. He told me about it earlier in the week. I was completely blindsided by that info, but I'm more disappointed than upset. After all, that's an easy fix -- just keep his name out of my mouth around her.

All of this, plus my current living situation -- which I can NOT go into without losing it -- is really making my life a living hell. So...I'm on the hunt for a place. And I've got to get it TODAY. Just pray, y'all...

Thursday, September 4, 2014

I Have My Reasons...

Usually when people say, "I have my reasons," they're usually things they don't want to reveal. I've said that many times to many people. Today, though, I want to reveal a few of the reasons why I think New Boo is the bee's knees.

1. He's nice to me. I know that sounds like a given, but The One showed me that it's not always a given that the person you love will be nice to you. He definitely wasn't. But this guy is so sweet to me that he carries my bag when he could just insist that I do it. He also keeps me safe on the streets and he lets me be exactly who I am when we're together. I swear I love that.

2. He takes me nice places. Let me clarify something here. We're dating, but on a budget. Yet, we've seen some of the nicest places in the city. We actually act like tourists the way we explore. Today's trek took us to downtown Brooklyn. I think he got just as much of a kick out of looking at the great old apartments and architecture as I did -- even though he's a native New Yorker.

3. He appreciates me. There's nothing sweeter than finishing a date and getting a "Thank you" text from him. He said to me, "Thanks for walking with me. I know it ain't much, but spending time with you is always fun." It ain't much? Man, it's EVERYTHING to me that we can enjoy each other like that. I've been with people who've taken me out to restaurants every night and we didn't have the kind of good, wholesome fun I share with New Boo. I want him to know that.

4. He likes me. I know I'm not an easy one to take. I can be so many things -- and not all of them great. But he likes who I am. He lets me know that the fact that I'm not like other women he's known is a plus to him. And I get the impression that he thinks I'm pretty, too. (Yes, my inner vain girl loves that mess.)

5. He's shown me his heart. I don't know if he intended to do it, but he's let me see how much I mean to him. And not necessarily in grand gestures, but small ones that make my heart smile. If I never spend another minute with him, I can truly say that the times we've been together have let me know that the kind of love I want -- silly, irreverent, and flexible -- is possible. For that, I'll be forever grateful.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The Next Chapter...

There are no words to describe how I feel right now. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because God has seen fit to bless me with someone who makes me laugh, cry, think, and feel like I'm on top of the world.

This man hasn't said he loves me in words, but his every action screams it. He makes me a priority in his life, and he's concerned about the things that are important to me. His gentle demeanor calms me down and his arms soothe my soul.

Our relationship is new, but he's already made up his mind that I'm the girl he wants to be with. The conversations we've had -- both in person and via text -- say that he cares deeply for me and wants to do right by me because I bring joy to his life.

And here's the deal -- I never saw him coming. Now I can't imagine my life without him. I see him every day, and sometimes even that's not enough. We both realize that we need to be closer because we enjoy each other so much.

I don't know what's going to happen with us. What I do know is that he's an awesome guy that I could have missed. I guess it's true that you have to let good things go to let better things fall together.

Monday, August 4, 2014

It's Over...

So I did it. I broke up with The One. And now I'm sad.

I'm not sad because we broke up. That had to happen. He didn't respect the relationship or me anymore, so it was time for him to go. But that doesn't mean that I'm not mourning the death of our relationship. It doesn't mean that I don't love him. It doesn't mean that I'm not worried about him. It just means that I can't be attached to him as he spirals out of control to self-destruction.

I wish I could rewind the last three months...back to when we were good. When he loved me and wanted our relationship to work. I wish I could take all the love I have for him and infuse into his pores so that he would do what needed to be done for us to be together.

That's the real issue. My love wasn't enough to make him want to do and be better for us. At the end of the day, that's what I wish I could change. That's what hurts me to my core.

I know that when the story of our love is retold by him, I'll be that bitch. I already know that. And honestly, it hurts because that's not who I am or what this was. This was a love affair that was murdered by indifference and abandonment.

I know I'll get over this. I always do. But I'm not gonna lie...it's gonna be hard.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Forever Isn't as Long as it Used to Be...

For all that big talk I was doing, I realize that I'm hurt about The One. I really thought he cared. I believed him when he said he'd love me forever. Clearly, forever isn't as long as it used to be.

And while I'm crushed today, I know I'll get past this. There will be love for me because I deserve it. But I'll know some things for next time. For instance, I won't be so quick to believe the pretty words. I'll test them out to make sure that they're real before I let myself get caught up.

Next time, I won't stick my neck on the line for someone who's not willing or able to make the same kind of sacrifices for me. I won't go to the nth degree until I can see some sort of return on my investment.

Next time, I promise you I won't let myself fall for someone who doesn't live close enough to touch at least once a week. I see now how important it is to have that contact with your love.

Next time, I'll protect my heart a little better. I won't let it go out there alone no matter what happens. I'll guard it a little more carefully.

Next time, I won't ignore the signs and I'll get out when I see foolishness on the horizon.

And while I'm so wounded right now I can't even see myself wanting a next time, I know they'll be a next time. And I'll be more careful then.

But then again, how can you be careful and still be in love? The whole point of love and loving is giving your all in hopes of having it returned to you.

I really don't know anything anymore.  Ugh.