Friday, October 10, 2014

The Silver Lining Appears

Excitement is too weak to describe what I'm feeling right now. It's Friday, and I have an apartment to call my own. I don't move in until the 15th, but there is now a space in this city that I can call my very own. And to let you know how good God REALLY is, it's a one-bedroom apartment in a private house, the rent is well within the budget, and it's in a good location. In addition, the lady who told me about the place lives next door -- which means I'll have a really sweet neighbor.

What REALLY makes me happy is that I'll be able to spend comfortable time with New Boo. In private. With no one else around. When he comes over, he won't have to speak to anyone but me. And that thrills me more than I can articulate.

Oh, and we worked through that situation. I think we'll be stronger than ever now. It's almost like we're unstoppable now.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Perfect Love in Imperfection

What does true love look like? It looks like your man sleeping on the floor of your rented room because he's been in your craptastic bed all night & he needs to stretch out because he just can't take it anymore. But he's there because he wants to be with you that badly. 

How could you possibly screw that up? By being the stupidest woman in the world. 

I should've known better, but I never thought the dude I gave my number to on a whim -- after I made it clear that I had a man that I loved with all my heart -- would try to make a power play and call me at midnight on a Saturday night. But he did, and then I had to answer questions about a situation that doesn't exist and explain the unexplainable to someone who's been hurt by people who were supposed to love him.

I'm so upset I don't know what to do. The LAST thing I ever want to do is hurt my baby. And that's what I've done. Now he's doubting me and all I stand for. And I can't blame him for that. I also don't know how to fix it. 

So have I screwed up the love of my life beyond repair? Only time will tell. But for now, my heart is sleeping on the floor of my rented room. Because he loves me. 

Thursday, October 2, 2014

In Defense of Bad Credit

I have bad credit. I'm not saying this because I'm proud of it. I'm saying it because it's true.

When I was in college, I got a bunch of credit cards with no way to pay the bills. Then as an adult, I went through periods of being both underemployed and unemployed. When I got jobs, I had to focus on the basics of food and shelter -- not catching up bills. And now I have a credit score that is in the toilet.

Again...not a thing I'm proud of at all.

But I mention this because I think it's ridiculous for apartment companies to judge me on my credit score. Here's why -- if I'm not able to pay a single bill, I make sure to keep a roof over my head. That means that I pay rent. If I'm RENTING from you, what does it matter what I do for everyone else? When random people look at my credit score, it doesn't show that the bills were paid perfectly and on-time until the job decided to lay you off.

I just needed to get that off my chest. Carry on...

Saturday, September 27, 2014

What Gives...

No matter how perfect a relationship starts, there will be bumps in the road. The test of what you really have is how you take them. Right now, I'm not taking this bump particularly well.

Here's the deal. I'm living with the craziest roommate in the world. This chick keeps freakin' tools in the freezer. Don't believe me? I wouldn't believe me, either, but I have proof.



New Boo lives a block away from one of the nicest areas I've seen in Brooklyn. And his whole block isn't bad. But the half of the block where he lives is horrid, and his building is the worst of them all. And that's in addition to it being a fourth-floor walkup and him having a roommate.

Needless to say, neither one of us likes our living situation. And because we don't live alone, the thought of us being together while either one of our roommates is home just isn't pleasant. And I get that. But today was the first time ever that we were off at the same time, and I was looking forward to being with him. But his roommate just got back from a three-week vacay, and my crazy roommate is here with company. So there's nowhere for us to go.

I probably wouldn't be so upset, but I'm a woman of a certain age...and I don't feel like I need to live like this. He's not too far from my age, so he doesn't need to live like this either. And while we could've gotten a hotel room -- a nice one because I have a premium hookup -- we both know that spending money on stuff like that while trying to save money for an apartment isn't wise.

That's why I'm going out alone tonight. I have two parties to hit, and while I really don't want to go alone, I think it might be good for me because I've been focusing my whole life on him. Tonight and tomorrow, I'm doing me. If he wants to be a part of it, he'll let me know. Until then, watch out, world...MackDiva is on the loose!

And please know this...I still love New Boo with all my heart and soul. If anyone asks, I am in love madly and truly. But I don't like being alone...at all.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Could It Really Be...

Today is another crappy day. If it's darkest before the dawn, then I'm due for a bright tomorrow.

Anyway, I'm really bugging out, and I reached out to New Boo. He could tell that all was not well in my world, and he asked me about it. When I told him that I was on the verge of screaming, he immediately went into Cheer Me Up mode. He said he wanted to see me later, and while I agreed, I told him straight out that I probably wouldn't be good company. You know what he said? "Good or bad company -- it doesn't matter. I just want you by my side."

I honestly almost broke down right there. For one, no one's ever said that to me. Ever. And for him to say it almost makes this thing bearable.

And here's where the comparison comes in. That Other Guy (can't really call him The One anymore) was always in such dire straits that there wasn't room for me to be anything other than his cheerleader. Also, he didn't know how to encourage me on any level, and he wasn't interested in trying to find out.

With TOG, I existed to make his world right. If anything was off-kilter with me, I was just supposed to figure it out. As usual, I was in a selfish, one-sided relationship where I was always giving and never getting anything out of it.

Meanwhile, New Boo (who'll soon have to get another name because he's so much more than that) is extending himself to me. It's like he sees me, and that's so new for me. I usually see people, but no one sees me. Ever. And this is a good feeling. I think what really gets me is that he sees me and STILL wants to be with me.

And you know what? Maybe he'll see me and not want to be with me. But it's nice to believe for a minute that it could be possible, right?

Sunday, September 7, 2014

I'm not a crybaby. Things aren't perfect, but that's no reason to cry about them...at least not all the time. Right now, though, I'm feeling very weepy.

I've been sick this week. I've been battling strep throat for the past two weeks, and it's hanging on like a champ. People who know me know that I'm not one to be sick, so this is REALLY taking a toll on me. And to add insult to injury, it's not just in my throat anymore. I found out that another manifestation of the strep bacteria causes your skin to peel. Hence the reason my hands look like I'm some kind of leper. Which wouldn't bother me, but I'm a people person...and someone who deals with the public. Can you IMAGINE how embarrassing this is?

And on another note, I found out that a good friend of mine has been spilling secrets on me. How did I find that out? Well, New Boo's roommate and this friend are close -- MUCH closer than I thought. Close to the point that the things I've shared with her about New Boo have been re-shared with his roommate. He told me about it earlier in the week. I was completely blindsided by that info, but I'm more disappointed than upset. After all, that's an easy fix -- just keep his name out of my mouth around her.

All of this, plus my current living situation -- which I can NOT go into without losing it -- is really making my life a living hell. So...I'm on the hunt for a place. And I've got to get it TODAY. Just pray, y'all...

Thursday, September 4, 2014

I Have My Reasons...

Usually when people say, "I have my reasons," they're usually things they don't want to reveal. I've said that many times to many people. Today, though, I want to reveal a few of the reasons why I think New Boo is the bee's knees.

1. He's nice to me. I know that sounds like a given, but The One showed me that it's not always a given that the person you love will be nice to you. He definitely wasn't. But this guy is so sweet to me that he carries my bag when he could just insist that I do it. He also keeps me safe on the streets and he lets me be exactly who I am when we're together. I swear I love that.

2. He takes me nice places. Let me clarify something here. We're dating, but on a budget. Yet, we've seen some of the nicest places in the city. We actually act like tourists the way we explore. Today's trek took us to downtown Brooklyn. I think he got just as much of a kick out of looking at the great old apartments and architecture as I did -- even though he's a native New Yorker.

3. He appreciates me. There's nothing sweeter than finishing a date and getting a "Thank you" text from him. He said to me, "Thanks for walking with me. I know it ain't much, but spending time with you is always fun." It ain't much? Man, it's EVERYTHING to me that we can enjoy each other like that. I've been with people who've taken me out to restaurants every night and we didn't have the kind of good, wholesome fun I share with New Boo. I want him to know that.

4. He likes me. I know I'm not an easy one to take. I can be so many things -- and not all of them great. But he likes who I am. He lets me know that the fact that I'm not like other women he's known is a plus to him. And I get the impression that he thinks I'm pretty, too. (Yes, my inner vain girl loves that mess.)

5. He's shown me his heart. I don't know if he intended to do it, but he's let me see how much I mean to him. And not necessarily in grand gestures, but small ones that make my heart smile. If I never spend another minute with him, I can truly say that the times we've been together have let me know that the kind of love I want -- silly, irreverent, and flexible -- is possible. For that, I'll be forever grateful.