Monday, July 7, 2014

Forever Isn't as Long as it Used to Be...

For all that big talk I was doing, I realize that I'm hurt about The One. I really thought he cared. I believed him when he said he'd love me forever. Clearly, forever isn't as long as it used to be.

And while I'm crushed today, I know I'll get past this. There will be love for me because I deserve it. But I'll know some things for next time. For instance, I won't be so quick to believe the pretty words. I'll test them out to make sure that they're real before I let myself get caught up.

Next time, I won't stick my neck on the line for someone who's not willing or able to make the same kind of sacrifices for me. I won't go to the nth degree until I can see some sort of return on my investment.

Next time, I promise you I won't let myself fall for someone who doesn't live close enough to touch at least once a week. I see now how important it is to have that contact with your love.

Next time, I'll protect my heart a little better. I won't let it go out there alone no matter what happens. I'll guard it a little more carefully.

Next time, I won't ignore the signs and I'll get out when I see foolishness on the horizon.

And while I'm so wounded right now I can't even see myself wanting a next time, I know they'll be a next time. And I'll be more careful then.

But then again, how can you be careful and still be in love? The whole point of love and loving is giving your all in hopes of having it returned to you.

I really don't know anything anymore.  Ugh.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

"Touch Me in the Morning..."

I don't know what happened, but somewhere between the "screw you, bitch" and him responding negatively to my question, "Do you know what you're apologizing for," my love died. Not a screaming, crying, whimpering death. More of a quiet, "you know what you have to do" type death. The kind that comes after the pain has settled in and made a home in your heart.

The way I see it, there's a window after a major infraction where you can make things right. You can say, "Baby, I didn't mean what I said. I was drunk/high/frustrated with my life/etc. and took it out on you, and I was wrong. Please forgive me." At that point, even if you make someone suffer a few more minutes/hours/etc., you know that you'll be able to move on from the situation none the worse for wear.

And then there's what my foolish-ass boyfriend did.

After saying, "Screw you, bitch," and hanging up, he didn't even try to call back. When he did -- a few HOURS later -- he tried to act like nothing had happened. In fact, it wasn't until I had gone a day without speaking to him that he even tried to acknowledge that something had shifted. The voicemail message said, "I got nothing. Call me when you want to talk."





Seriously? That's all you got, sir? I was completely done. Then, half an hour later, I get this...


Uh, do you HONESTLY think that a "I love you" is a "Get Out of Jail Free" card? That's what it feels like to me at this point. And you KNOW I'm not having it.

And furthermore, you'll see that I didn't acknowledge the "screw you" part. Honestly, that's because it took me a few more days to process that. It's almost like your mind can't handle too much trauma at once, so it shields you from it until you're strong enough.

When it finally came together in my head a few days later, I just had to marvel at the blatantness of what went on here. So...you're just gonna cuss me out, hang up on me, and expect everything to be hunky AND dory. I'm not supposed to feel anything in light of what you said. And your "love" is supposed to be the salve that makes it right? HA! In the immortal words of that great southern philosopher named Beyoncé, "You must not know 'bout me."

Stay tuned...

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Hmm...What Just Happened Here?

Relationships aren't easy. Anyone who says otherwise is a damn liar. Then again, maybe they can be and I'm just in the wrong one.

What started off as a regular conversation spiraled into a "screw you, bitch" before I could catch it. The killer part? He hung up on me in the process.

Here's where I should mention that I love him. I really do. That's why when I get mad at him, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. I try not to jump to the worst possible conclusion. Does that make me some kind of saint? Absolutely not. In fact, at this point, I feel like some kind of idiot.

Be all that as it may, I will take a lot of ish from the one I love. But I find hanging up on a person to be one of the most disrespectful things you can do. It's like you don't even deem the other person's response to whatever you've said worthy of your attention. It's the one thing that's (almost) unforgivable.

So now I'm facing a crossroad. Should I go off or should I be calm as usual? I don't really know what to do because I've never been in this situation with someone I actually loved. Usually I just write them off, no problem. But the game changes when real love is involved. Now it's a matter of figuring out if it's worth it to fight this out, or if I should just let it slide and pretend like I'm past it when he asks.

Of course, all of this is contingent on him calling. For a change, I'm not going to be the bigger person. I'm going to let him clear this one up. And if he doesn't, that'll let me know exactly where I stand with him.

And let's be real honest here -- the ONLY reason he's gotten away with the stuff he has in the past is that we're embroiled in a long-distance relationship. If we were in the same vicinity all the time, I'm sure we would've yelled this out a looooog time ago.

All of which brings me back to my original thought -- relationships aren't easy. Almost makes you wonder why we bother. But I know why. Love is the one thing that's worth pursuing and cultivating above all. Even in my state of borderline bitterness, I know that.


Thursday, May 29, 2014

My Tribute to Mother Maya

There was an eighth grader in the backwoods of East Texas who thought she was destined to stay there until her English teacher introduced her to I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. She read that book and realized that the author was from Stamps, Arkansas -- a town that was right down the street from her. At that point, she knew that it was possible for people from the country to do great things.

That girl grew up to become a woman who's lived almost all of her dreams. And although she never laid eyes on that author, she DID get a chance to tell her how her work affected her life. The author was gracious when she didn't have to be, and taught that girl another lesson in how to handle praise.


As the tributes pour in for Dr. Maya Angelou, I hope that she passed away knowing that her life made a difference. Especially to me. RIP to one of my first heroes. Our world is a better place because she was in it.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

That Man...

He speaks to me from quiet corners.
Whispering words that soothe my soul
And melt my heart.

His touch calms the storm
Swirling constantly in my head.
Makes my world a little less chaotic.

His kiss reaches my innermost being
Makes me dream of caramel-colored babies
Who bring softness and wonder.

His presence in my life ignites
Desires thought to be out of reach
For the girl who reached a certain age

And he wants to make me
His former girlfriend
Whom he marries

To that, I say yes…

Monday, April 7, 2014

I'm in Love...

I've finally fallen in love with the man of my dreams. He is beautiful and sweet and lovable and strong. He's a writer, like me, which means that he's expressive and intelligent. That's enough to make me melt.

But to say he's perfect would be a lie before God and all His angels. He's moody, aloof, and somewhat surly. His temperament isn't light like mine, but brooding. I can tell that he spends a lot of time in his head.

For some reason, we are compatible. He hears and understand me. And I understand him. We work together on the places that are vague for us.

I'm learning a lot about love from this man. And it's not like anything I've ever experienced before.

For one, I'm learning that it doesn't take all the frills to love someone. Sometimes it can be downright messy and dirty and smelly. And yet, it's still the best feeling ever.

I'm so happy.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Welcome to Me

I am strong
My heart is tender
You are hurtful

There are times when I need someone
To listen to me
When the foolishness of this world becomes
Too much for me to handle
Alone.

I need you to understand
That I'm not always logical
Or practical.
I'm just me.

sometimes i feel small and insignificant
like no one cares for me
that my needs are an afterthought 

Your purpose in my life
Is to help me see in those moments
That I'm not alone.
That I'm not stupid.
That I'm not crazy.

I wish my inner being was as strong
As my outer shell.
But it's not.

A good relationship should allow for both your strength 
And your weakness
To occupy the same space with the same love for both.

Admire my strength.
Embrace my weakness.
Love me through it all.